Dear President Bush: How can I make money when you start slaughtering Iranians?

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear President George W. Bush,

Having seen how many people got wildly rich during the invasion of, and occupation of Iraq, I was hoping I could get involved in a little of the action when the bombs start dropping on Iran.

Mr. President, it has been blindingly obvious to me for some time that you will not leave office without attacking Iran. You are a man of vision, and that vision has seen the smoldering ruins of the entire Middle East and the world economy. And those visions will be coming true sooner, rather than later and the upcoming PR campaign will be intense.

As you well know, Mr. President, public relations is a vital part of getting a war going, and keeping it going. It takes a lot of fancy words to confuse the masses into becoming willful murderers, after all.

This is where I believe I can help. I can help make this unprovoked war fun. I can make obliterated Iranian babies seem cool. For a price, mind you. But several million dollars seems a small price to pay to keep me from wandering around, writing things like “unprovoked war” and “obliterated Iranian babies.”

Sure, I have liberal viewpoints, and I completely understand that you only work with those that share your strict ideology. But, come on, the majority of your base are facing lewd misconduct charges, at the very least. So they’re tied up right now, and not the way they like it.

Plus, it’s not like I’m married to liberalism or anything. I’m still a capitalist, and as your Presidency has proven, the only thing that defines America any longer is capitalism. Mostly, though, a guy’s gotta eat and feed his family. So when I see folks like Scott Custer and Mike Battles getting massive government contracts for doing absolutely nothing, I think to myself “Wow, they must be eating really good.”

So let’s talk about what I can give you, as you begin the process of killing thousands and thousands of Iranians, while making the U.S. the most hated nation on the planet, times two. Help will be needed, and I’m here for you.

Humor is an important part of getting public support, and let’s face it, Mr. President; left to your own devices, you end up making jokes about hunting for WMDs that just end up pissing everyone off. That’s not humor. That’s instigating the masses.

Now, being that you’ll undoubtedly be taking advantage of the U.S. nuclear arsenal in your planned destruction of Iran (hell, why have them if they’re just going to sit there), why not focus on the inherent humor of radiation poisoning?

Huh? How’s that? See, I can make nuclear carnage funny, if need be. And you can have that one, free-of-charge. Consider it a sign of good faith.

There must be other ways I can help, as well, though apparently, to receive government contracts, often doing nothing is all that’s required. And I can do that, too.

In closing, Mr. President, I am a realist. And I realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you plan on pulverizing Iran before you leave office, and likely the country. I mean, you have about 1,200 Kagens working around the clock to sell this thing. And it’s quite likely William Kristol is busily cloning himself and preparing airplanes to carpet bomb the U.S. with editions of The Weekly Standard to bamboozle 35 percent of the country into thinking that slaughtering Iranians is a wise idea.

It’s going to happen. So I can either ball up my fists and impotently whine about it, or I can make a few bucks. Who knows where this attack on Iran will lead the U.S., so it’s important I look out for myself on this one. After all, I didn’t raise a fuss at all when you decided to start killing Iraqis, so I already have blood on my hands for that. May as well stuff some cash into those blood-soaked hands, eh?

Mr. President, in today’s world, caring about human life is a sure way to stay broke, as you and your team have made abundantly clear. While I know you sleep like a baby regardless, my sleep will continue to be haunted knowing I come from a country that has gone completely insane with blood lust and dreams of total world domination. At least with a fat government contract for, well, whatever, I can toss and turn in a much nicer bed.

Mr. President, you are going to attack Iran. This much is absolutely, completely clear to anyone who actually looks. And as the saying goes, if I’m not part of the solution, I’m part of the problem. And if I’m going to be part of this problem, I may as well get paid some blood money just like everyone else from the Vice-President on down.

Or at very least, you know, make sure gas doesn’t get too expensive. I’m American, after all. I’ll sell out and let you kill whoever you like for whatever reason for a cheap tank full of gas, as well.

Best regards and I await your reply,

William K. Wolfrum

-WKW

MLS beats David Beckham into submission

When David Beckham signed his historic deal with the L.A. Galaxy of Major League Soccer, one potential problem seemed blindingly obvious - as an aging soccer star, injuries were very likely going to be a problem.

And all it took was a few weeks for the Galaxy decided to make sure their new mega-star would be on the shelf. Beckham has been diagnosed with a strained right knee, and will be out of action for both club and country for the next six weeks, at least.

Beckham had a bad ankle when he first showed up in the U.S. Which didn’t stop the Galaxy from rushing him onto the field. But then, in a move that showed that perhaps Americans just shouldn’t be involved in soccer in any way, shape or form, the Galaxy decided that the best way to use an aging Beckham was to overuse him, and gamble with his entire future.

First, Beckham flew from the U.S. to Europe to play for England in an international friendly against Germany. Than he flew back to the U.S., and 30 hours later, was on the pitch for the Galaxy. This is all while still not being fully recovered from his ankle injury, mind you.

Then, less than a week following his 30-hour, two-game, two-international-flight marathon Beckham was on the field for the Galaxy in the North American SuperLiga Final trophy against Mexico’s Pachuca, where his knee was injured in a tackle.

“He shouldn’t play, to be honest. He’s hurt, but he’s playing,” said Galaxy coach Frank Yallop.

Nice hindsight, coach. When Beckham signed with the MLS, he knew this was where his club career would likely end. What he didn’t know was how quickly it would likely end. Because if the Galaxy rush him back from this one, it could spell the end of Beckham’s career once and for all.

-WKW

They found the Iraqi WMDs!! In NYC. At the UN

Well, at very least, we can finally say we found Iraq’s WMDs. Sure, they were in New York. At the United Nations. And they haven’t actually been in Iraq for a decade or so.

But that’s just being nitpicky.

“Dangerous Iraq chemicals found stored at U.N.”

UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - The United Nations found potentially lethal vials of a chemical warfare agent, removed from Iraq a decade ago, in offices near its New York headquarters but officials said on Thursday there was no danger.

The FBI and New York police were called in to remove the substances and were on the site, across the street from U.N. headquarters on Thursday.

The materials included phosgene, an older generation chemical warfare agent, which could have been lethal if it had evaporated, the officials said.

Phosgene was used extensively during World War I as a choking agent, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

The vials in a small sealed metal container were discovered last Friday but only on Wednesday did the inspectors find a list of what the items were as they were cleaning out 125 filing cabinets. The chemicals are being taken to the U.S. Army laboratory in Edgewood, Maryland, the inspectors said.

The materials were taken in 1996 by inspectors from a former Iraqi chemical weapons plant at Al Muthanna, Marie Okabe, a U.N. spokeswoman said.

Screw it, sounds like a win. Let’s bomb Iran now and maybe we can find justification in a file cabinet somewhere in Iowa someday.

-WKW

Translating the news in George Bush’s America

Hey everyone, welcome to “Translating the News,” the quick-hitting blog post where we take important stories and break them them down so they can be easily understood.

First up:

“Little progress seen on Iraq goals”

WASHINGTON - The Iraqi government has failed to meet the vast majority of political and military goals laid out by lawmakers to assess President Bush’s Iraq war strategy, congressional auditors have determined.

The Associated Press has learned the Government Accountability Office, or GAO, will report that at least 13 of the 18 benchmarks to measure the surge of U.S. troops to Iraq are unfulfilled ahead of a Sept. 15 deadline. That’s when Bush is to give a detailed accounting of the situation eight months after he announced the policy, according to three officials familiar with the matter.

The officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the report has not been made public, also said the administration is preparing a case to play down the findings, arguing that Congress ordered the GAO to use unfair, “all or nothing” standards when compiling the document.

Translation: The surge is working, and will work even better with $50 billion more.

Next up:

“Maliki: I won’t resign, can’t be forced out”

BAGHDAD — Looking tired and pale but speaking firmly, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki told McClatchy Newspapers Tuesday that he has no intention of resigning despite rising U.S. criticism of his government.

In a 50-minute interview in his office in Baghdad’s Green Zone, Maliki strongly defended his tenure and said that he doesn’t expect to be forced out. He said his efforts at national reconciliation, not the surge of additional U.S. troops or actions by Iraqi security forces, are responsible for improved security.

He blamed the United States and its early policies in Iraq for the sectarianism that plagues the country, and said he opposed the current U.S. policy of working with former Sunni Muslim insurgent groups who’ve turned against al Qaida in Iraq because that, too, promotes sectarianism.

Translation: Meet Ayad Allawi, the new Prime Minister of Iraq.

And finally:

“Report: Iran cooperates on nuke probe”

VIENNA, Austria - The U.N. nuclear agency on Thursday called Iran’s cooperation with its investigation of past suspicious atomic activities “a significant step forward,” in a report expected to hamper U.S.-led efforts for new sanctions on Tehran.

At the same time, the report confirmed that Iran continued to expand its uranium enrichment program, reflecting the Islamic republic’s defiance of the U.N. Security Council. Still, U.N. officials said, both enrichment and the building of a plutonium-producing reactor was continuing more slowly than expected.

IAEA Deputy Director General Olli Heinonen, who brokered the cooperation deal with Iranian officials, highlighted the importance of the agreement, noting that Tehran’s past refusal to answer the agency’s questions triggered Security Council sanctions in the first place.

But he cautioned that Iran still needed to fully implement its commitments, telling reporters that “the key is that Iran … provides the information that we need” in a time frame that foresees clarity for the first time about Iran’s past suspicious activities by year’s end.

Translation: Fuck it, nuke ‘em.

-WKW

To ABC and Disney, Democracy does not include Dennis Kucinich

With more than a year left to the 2008 Presidential election, have you already decided that the Democratic nominee will be Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama or John Edwards? It probably doesn’t matter. Because ABC and its parent company Disney have made that decision for you.

When Internet polls for a recent debate on ABC came out, Rep. Dennis Kucinich won. Big time. Despite not being asked a question until 28 minutes into the one-hour debate. And then ABC buried the poll. And then ran another one. Which Kucinch won. And ABC buried. Again.

Read MediaBloodhound’s excellent in-depth look at ABC’s treatment of Kucinch. And decide if this is how a real democracy acts.

“Special Report: WashPo and Time Help ABC Bury Treatment of Kucinich”

No news organization - especially one charged with facilitating part of our electoral process - should be able to so grossly transgress such basic journalistic standards and not be held to account. This isn’t a partisan issue. Congressman Kucinich’s chances of capturing the Democratic nomination are irrelevant to this matter.

This speaks to the viability of our national press.

It truly is a great piece of work by MediaBloodhound, and I cannot recommend reading the piece in its entirety enough.

Because at this point in our history, We the People need to start hearing more voices and more viewpoints, regardless of how few voices massive media corporations like Disney want you to hear. Because this isn’t about Dennis Kucinich. It’s about democracy. And in our two-party system, it gets less and less democratic every election.

-WKW

Debt and incompetence means foreigners want oversight of U.S. markets

The U.S. debt is currently $8,92,456,033,508. Give or take. It appears one of the great advantages of having that type of debt is that it means you don’t have to worry as much about your own markets. Because other countries - who’ve spent their hard-earned money gobbling up that debt - start asking questions when things aren’t going the way they should.

It’s sort of like the mafia, I believe. Mom and pop borrow money from the mafia; mom and pop are failures as business owners; the mafia decides that mom and pop need some direct oversight.

Give or take.

“Foreigners seek oversight on U.S. markets - report”

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — Investors outside the United States are calling for greater foreign oversight of American markets, banks and credit agencies, according to a report Wednesday.

They argue that the U.S. exports its financial products to international investors, but isn’t adequately monitoring and regulating the securities, as evidenced by the substantial losses related to the subprime mortgage scare, said the New York Times.

“We need an international approach, and the United States needs to be part of it,” Peter Bofinger, a member of the German government’s economics advisory board, told the Times.

Major international banks suffered losses after buying mortgage-backed bonds based in the United States, the report said.

In the past, Washington has emphasized that it does not want foreign oversight. But analysts say Europe and Asia have more leverage now, because they own so much U.S. debt, the Times said.

-WKW

Blogging New Orleans spends 24 hours reflecting on Katrina

Today is two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and much of the Gulf Coast. President George W. Bush has made his way to the still fall-from-recovered region, so he can get his picture taken a few times and head back to Washington to work on more war plans. “War presidents” aren’t concerned about things like destroyed U.S. cities, as the past two years have shown us.

Over at Blogging New Orleans, however, Kelly Leahy, Mike Schleifstein and others are engaging in a 24-hour blogathon, sharing their thoughts on a wide range of subjects from John Edwards introducing the “Brownie’s Law” which will force federal jobs to be given only to those with the proper experience and abilities, to a special national crisis hotline for those who still struggle with the memories of the devastation.

Make it a point to head over to Blogging New Orleans, and/or leave other sites or posts commemorating New Orleans in comments. You can also find an entire list of blogs from and about New Orleans and the Gulf Coast by clicking here. And over at AmericaBlog, Pam Spaulding highlights a couple more, Voices from the Gulf and Colorofchange.org.

The federal government wants you to forget about New Orleans and other locations destroyed by Katrina. Thanks to bloggers like these and others, we’ll always remember.

-WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I am not gay, and have mostly never been gay”

Statement of William K. Wolfrum

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to all his supporters at 3:30 p.m.:

“First of all, I’d like to thank so many of you for standing by me in this terrible time. However, I’d also like to point out that those of you standing behind me just aren’t helping matters. So if you could just move forward and to the side, that would be fantastic.

I wanted to release this statement to point out that I am not gay. Let me be perfectly clear on that. I am not gay, and I love my wife.

Also, I have never been gay. At least not for any extended period of time. I was briefly gay in 1978, but those were the days of disco, and everyone was gay at one point or another.

Also, in 1983 I was briefly gay, but that coincided with the release of Rocky III.

In 1989, I gave oral sex to a guy. Several hundred times. And when I say “guy” I suppose I mean “hundreds of male interns.” So yeah, I’ll have to say I was gay then, as well. That one’s pretty hard to argue.

Also, the majority of the 90s, I lived with a guy named Ray. He was really just the sweetest guy, and we liked the same movies, notably Rocky III and Saturday Night Fever. We had a cat named Buster, and really, it was the most healthy relationship I’ve ever had. So while I’m hazy on definitions, I can see that some people might say that I was gay during that time frame.

Over the past few years, however, I have been repeatedly harassed about my sexuality, and felt the need to release this statement. The media likes to focus solely on my gay-related activities. As you can see, however, the great majority of my time has been spent not being gay. If you add sleeping, meals and bathing into the mix, even in my gayest moments, I was not gay for more than 70 percent of those times.

This is a witch hunt, my friends. A witch hunt by numerous magazines, newspapers and Web sites. A witch hunt that includes pictures, diagrams, videos and a bunch of sketches. So it’s a pretty well put together witch hunt, but a witch hunt nonetheless.

Thank you for your support, God Bless America and say no to gay marriage, because it will be the ruin of this nation as we know it. I intend to continue blogging, and will represent all my many supporters as well as I humanly can under these unique conditions.

I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment.”

-WKW

See more official “Statements from William K. Wolfrum” Here.

Breaking News: Jesus Christ trapped in a fence in Lodi

Cornell Barnard woke up yesterday likely thinking it to be just a run-of-the-mill slow news day. Then, the news came over the wire - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was resigning.

Of course, the folks at ABC affiliate News 10 wouldn’t let him anywhere near a story like that, so he went for the next best thing - covering a big story about a woman seeing Jesus Christ in her fence.

“Lodi Woman Sees Face of Jesus on Fence”

Emily West was doing some meditating over the weekend in her sister’s backyard in central Lodi when something caught her eye.

“I looked up and saw the face of Christ in the fence and I said, “Whoa,” West said.

She called her sister Ana over to ask what she saw. She too agreed, it was the Son of God.

Congratulations to Emily West and her agreeable sister on their divine find. More importantly, hats off to some great work by Barnard, who very likely is on his way to his second Associated Press Best Spot News Award and second Emmy for Best Feature Reporting.

Well played, Cornell. The news hungry folks of Sacramento, Stockton, Modesto and Lodi are lucky to have you.

-WKW

Antonio Puerta, 1984-2007

Antonio Puerta, 1984-2007

SEVILLE, Spain (Ticker) - Sevilla defender Antonio Puerta died Tuesday. He was 22.

The Spain international collapsed on the field after suffering a cardiac arrest during Saturday’s Primera Liga game against Getafe.

Puerta was able to walk off but suffered a relapse in the dressing room and required cardiac resuscitation. He was rushed to the Hospital Virgen del Rocio in Seville but passed away on Tuesday.

Puerta, whose girlfriend is pregnant, had been a member of the Sevilla first team for three seasons and spent 14 years in total with the Andalusian club he joined as a boy. He was capped by Spain in October.

A statement from Dr. Francisco Murillo, head of intensive care at the hospital, confirmed the death.

“We regret to announce that the patient Antonio Puerta died at 14.30 (local time) as a consequence of postpanoxic encephalopathy and multiorganic dysfunction provoked by the cardiac arrest,” Murillo in a statement.

A sad day for all soccer fans.

-WKW

Gen. Petraeus, White House continue endless battle against reality

The fight against facts has been an endless battle for the Bush Administration. It seems on virtually every issue, reality and facts totally disagree with everything they want.

But people like George W. Bush and Gem David Petraeus are by no means quitters. When the facts are lined against them, they do what needs to be done - they get those facts changed. Like the recent NIE report, for instance:

Administration officials said yesterday that the Petraeus-Crocker testimony will closely follow the National Intelligence Estimate judgments released last week, which predicted continued political deterioration in Iraq but cited “measurable but uneven improvements” in the security situation.

The NIE, requested by the White House Iraq coordinator, Lt. Gen. Douglas E. Lute, in preparation for the testimony, met with resistance from U.S. military officials in Baghdad, according to a senior U.S. military intelligence officer there. Presented with a draft of the conclusions, Petraeus succeeded in having the security judgments softened to reflect improvements in recent months, the official said.

Kevin Drum puts it well:

Now I’m not so sure. Petraeus has been very shrewd about providing dog-and-pony shows to as many analysts, pundits, reporters, and members of Congress as he could cram into the military jets criss-crossing the Atlantic to Baghdad on a seemingly daily basis this summer. And those dog-and-pony shows don’t seem to have been subtle: rather, they’ve been hard-sell propositions complete with “classified” PowerPoint presentations (always a winner for people with more ego than common sense); visits to a handpicked selection of the most successful reconstruction teams in the country; a plainly deceptive implication that the surge played a role in the Anbar Awakening; feel-good stories about how local power generation is a good thing; the recent insistence that civilian casualties are down, which increasingly looks like a book-cooking scam that wouldn’t stand the light of day if Petraeus allowed independent agencies access to his data; and, of course, the ongoing campaign to scare everyone by kinda sorta claiming that Iran and al-Qaeda are ramping up their activities and then getting suddenly slippery whenever anyone asks if they have any real evidence for this.

Petraeus is still a smart guy. He won’t go too far overboard. But he’s obviously been treating the September report like a military operation, trying to generate as much good press and congressional change of heart as he possibly can in the weeks leading up to 9/11.

Remember, come Sept. 11 - a date they have the balls to say was picked at random - Petraeus and Bush will say anything - literally anything - in order to keep their Occupation of Iraq going and to keep the ball rolling so that they can push it all into Iran, as well. If anything Petraeus and Bush say in two weeks happens to be true, it will just be happy coincidence for them.

-WKW

The Bush Administration squeezes some more blood from 9/11 victims

With the sixth anniversary of Sept. 11, 2001, two weeks away, the Bush Administration has once again shown they will do all they can to squeeze every last drop of blood from 9/11 victims for political gain. Under the guise of a front group known as Freedom’s Watch, the White House has yet again prominently used the attacks on the Twin Towers to advance their sick, cash-driven agenda.

The Iraq Occupation has nothing to do with 9/11, and it has nothing to do with any “War on Terror.” For that matter, the Iraq Occupation and its current Escalation are nothing like Vietnam, either. A more apt comparison is the Brinks Job.

Read Matt Taibbi’s latest in the Rolling Stone, “The Great Iraq Swindle” and then watch that video again. And wonder anew how the U.S. has allowed such a morally bankrupt, depraved group lead our nation so far astray while using the Federal Budget as their own personal piggy bank. And while using 9/11 as their most important political tool.

-WKW

Ayad Allawi lobbies to be latest CIA-backed leader

Ayad Allawi, with a Presidential lobbying firm behind him, is heading back to Iraq to save the nation, George Bush’s Presidency, and stop international terrorism. Because if there’s one thing we know now as fact, it’s that CIA-backed foreign leaders never fail in making life better for everyone.

A good look at Allawi comes here, from Salon in 2004:

There could be no more perfect evidence of the desperation among U.S. officials dealing with Iraq than the choice of veteran Baathist and CIA hireling Iyad Allawi as prime minister of the “sovereign” government due to take office after June 30. As one embittered Iraqi told me from Baghdad on Friday: “The appointment must have been orchestrated by Ahmed Chalabi in order to discredit the entire process.” He was not entirely joking, given the fact that Chalabi joined the rest of the Governing Council in voting for Allawi despite their long and vicious rivalry.

Of course, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki isn’t taking any of this laying down, and he will fight for his job. And Bush recently endorsed him:

“Prime Minister al-Maliki’s a good guy — good man with a difficult job and I support him. And it’s not up to the politicians in Washington, D.C., to say whether he will remain in his position,” said Bush, who always seems to forget that he is, in fact, a politician.

The endorsement was the type you’d expect from a man who once owned a Major League Baseball team - there are few endorsement’s less sincere than that of an owner of a last-place club, which would be about the perfect analogy for Bush’s current ownership of Iraq and the Iraq Occupation.

Basically, look for al-Maliki to be deposed or dead by the time the White House Surge Report - as Read by Gen. David Petraeus - comes out on Sept. 11.

-WKW

The Scent of Virtue: A Convert’s Turgid Story

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought I’d be writing to you, but here I am. I’m still amazed it happened to me. I am but a simple Atheist. Well, I thought I was an Atheist but now I know I am not. And what a sexy conversion it has been.

His name was William D. And he taught me all about Virtue, both figuratively and literally.

Let me start at the beginning: I was in the library surfing the Internet. Sometimes I can get so overwhelmed with my deep, burning passion for knowledge that I can shriek out without even knowing. “There is so much to learn!” I shouted passionately.

“Oh, you’d learn a lot. You’d learn about virtue,” said William D., emerging from the shadows.

I was transfixed. His virtue was enormous. I had always mocked the virtuous, but I was unable to in William D.’s case. He had virtue that seemed God-given. “But I don’t believe in God,” thought I, my chest heaving, my mind racing.

His hand slid down my firm yet supple spine.

“Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children,” said William D.

I was confused. Firm and supple, yet confused. All this talk about Hollywood and anal sex and families from this man of virtue had me strangely aroused.

“What is that smell,” I asked, breathing in deeply, my stiff nostrils sucking in the air, the scent tantalizing. “It’s almost freakish.”

“Freakish still is the idea that humans have rights by virtue of nature and nature’s God,” said William D.

I swooned. The words and smells had a hold on my trim, yet curvy mind. His hand moved to my leg.

“This is just so uncivil,” I said, turgid with anticipation.

“But civility and community are both predicated on the individual being subordinate to the interest of society. If you make a fetish of individual rights, you are going to emasculate that community,” said William D., virtue booming from his voice.

I was his. He guided me from the library into a cab. Before long we were at my place. I was to be converted. I could no longer deny it. Still I foolishly thought I could fight him.

“Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular … Hollywood likes anal sex,” he said, virtue literally dripping from the corner of his mouth. He sexily dabbed at it with a handkerchief.

Virtue. Why was it having such an affect on me? Why were my defenses slowly falling to the wayside for this mature, sweaty man? Why, why?

“In this country, we are civilized. We don’t appreciate it when somebody sticks it to you in the name of freedom of speech, sir,” said William D.

My taut body erupted in ecstasy.

“Stick it to me, Sir,” said I.

I woke up the next morning alone. I felt used up. My world had been rocked. I would never be the same. More than anything, I wanted to tithe. I had an epiphany - I was now Catholic. Dear God in heaven, I was Catholic, virtues and all.

I was on my feet again, sprinting back to the library as fast as my sinewy, muscular legs could carry me. My heart was ripping through my taut chest. I had to know. Virtue. What did it mean? How did William D. use Virtue to turn me into this - a man with Catholicism and virtue nearly bursting from his every orifice. I had to know.

When I got back to the computer and checked the Internet again, I saw the answer - Virtue Perfume.

I navigated to the Virtue Perfume Web site and was rocked to my very core. I read the descriptions, sweat cascading down my smooth stomach:

“Mist on your wrist and indulge your senses. You immediately note, with delight, that this is no ordinary perfume. You want to involve yourself with it’s uplifting character and take it’s subtle journey, ever deeper, into it’s enduring and memorable essence.”

Memorable essence. An image of William D. exploded in my mind and my now-Catholic loins. I read on:

“Practically all religions and Spiritual practices, persons of high Spiritual attainment are known to give off a fragrance, attributed to their Virtue. Christ, many of the Saints, and numerous others with highly developed spirituality, are, historically, known to have given off such a fragrance.”

And there it was. It all came flooding back to me. Virtue. Hollywood. Anal sex. Virtue. Jews. Anal sex. Catholicism. Emasculate. Virtue.

“In other words, we were creating a fragrance to lead people to their own Virtue.”

I shuddered. I had been led to my virtue. I would never be the same, thanks to William D. And Virtue.

-WKW

Rush Limbaugh gets his racism on; other Sunday reading

Let’s face it, Rush Limbaugh has never really hidden the fact that he speaks for the upper-class white racists of the U.S. And the upper-class white racists love him for it. His latest: telling his predominantly white audience know that the Democratic Party wants to take U.S. troops out of Iraq and move them into Darfur so they can clinch the African-American vote.

CALLER: Hey, Rush. It’s great to talk to you. I talked to you once before. I’ve been listening to you for a couple of years now, and I think I’m getting brighter, but there’s a lot to be learned. I know I’m no expert in foreign affairs, but what really confuses me about the liberals is the hypocrisy when they talk about how we have no reason to be in Iraq and helping those people, but yet everybody wants us to go to Darfur. I mean, aren’t we going to end up in a quagmire there? I mean, isn’t it — I don’t understand. Can you enlighten me on this?

LIMBAUGH: Yeah. This is — you’re not going to believe this, but it’s very simple. And the sooner you believe it, and the sooner you let this truth permeate the boundaries you have that tell you this is just simply not possible, the better you will understand Democrats in everything. You are right. They want to get us out of Iraq, but they can’t wait to get us into Darfur.

CALLER: Right.

LIMBAUGH: There are two reasons. What color is the skin of the people in Darfur?

CALLER: Uh, yeah.

LIMBAUGH: It’s black. And who do the Democrats really need to keep voting for them? If they lose a significant percentage of this voting bloc, they’re in trouble.

CALLER: Yes. Yes. The black population.

LIMBAUGH: Right. So you go into Darfur and you go into South Africa, you get rid of the white government there. You put sanctions on them. You stand behind Nelson Mandela — who was bankrolled by communists for a time, had the support of certain communist leaders. You go to Ethiopia. You do the same thing.

Rush Limbaugh, once again tackling the nonexistent racial issues to help make Republicans feel better about the fact that they are terrified of, and inherently hate black people. Read more from Digby and Media Matters. It’s going to be a fun, hate-filled 15 months leading to next November.

Other Sunday Reading

John Lynch posts about how law prof Peter Irons takes pseudoscientist Stuart Pivar to the woodshed for his weak and worthless lawsuit against scientist blogger PZ Myers.

John Edwards does have a refreshing tendency to say what other politicians won’t. But it still may be too late according to Oliver Willis.

American Whistleblowers Tortured - Lives And Careers Ruined By Their Own Government.

Pudding - not just delicious, but a likely sign you’re a terrorist.

Ted Nugent has now officially made the jump from rock star to terrorist.

Finally, goodbye Perry. Because of you there are more skeptics taking up the fight. Your work won’t be forgotten.

-WKW

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