Barack Obama decides to shoot Khalid Sheik Mohammed in head just to be on safe side
March 5, 2010 by William K. Wolfrum
WASHINGTON - Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.
“Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,”said Obama. “Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision.
“Being that Khalid Sheik Mohammed is not a human, shooting him in the head is not against the law,” said Gibbs.
The shooting will take place on April 1, and will be televised on the new C-Span Pay-per-view channel. The shooting will be followed by a mixed-martial arts battle between UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir.
“If you order 24 hours a head of time, you get $5 off,” said Gibbs.
The White House has yet to say which type of gun they will use on Mohammed, though former presidential candidate John McCain advised using a “big-ass shotgun.” McCain added that he had been confident that Obama would back down on civil liberty issues like the KSM trial, as it’s been something he has done in the past.
“Finally, we’re treating foreign criminals the way they should be treated,” said former Vietnam hostage John McCain. “Soon, he’ll back down on things like health care, as well.”
-WKW
Shortly after President Obama announced his new “Blow His Brains Out Myself” policy, the Republican National Committee issued a statement indicating that the president’s proclamation was further evidence that Obama is soft on terror and is clearly a “girly-man.”
“Once again, our Nazi-Socialist in Chief has put the comfort of the enemy above the needs of the nation, and has proven himself incapable of taking the direct visceral action that is clearly demanded by more than 11 percent of the American people,” the RNC release read.
“Shooting him in the head? As any real man (such as former Vice President Dick Cheney) can attest, head shots are little more than noogies exchanged between hunting partners. And using a weapon shows that Obama is afraid to put down his arugula latte and do the work that clearly needs to be done. A true patriot like Ronald Reagan would have tortured this man for months, then strangled him slowly with his bare hands, pausing only to pluck his still-beating heart out of his chest & take a bite out of it.”
In a related story, potential 2010 candidate Mitt Romney told attendees of a fundraising dinner that he had many fond memories of growing up on a farm in middle America, where he & his Dad often went hunting together for rabbits, squirrels & terrorists who were in need of a good killin’.
Glenn Beck: “So now the President wants to shoot him? Really? So you think that maybe Obama wants to shoot a terrorist to be patriotic and bi-partisan? Or…
Maybe this terrorist knows something. Maybe Obama found out he knows something. Maybe Obama found out that this terrorist knows something incriminating about Obama, and maybe, just maybe, someone is worried that this will come out in a trial…
But what could be so horrible that Obama would go from treating these terrorists like guests in a 5 star hotel to wanting to do the proper American thing and shoot them? Maybe Khalid Sheik Mohammed has information about Obama’s ties to international terrorism. Now, I’m not saying that is for certain. But it sure seems like a whole lot of coincidences piling up on each other. I mean, you want us to believe, considering all of the allegations that have been made about Barack Hussein Obama’s ties to terrorism, the fact that he was born a Muslim, in a foreign country (and we know this is true, because we have seen the real birth certificates), attended Islamic schools that there couldn’t be something to all of this…Because that, that’s just…
* cries*
It’s hard sometimes. It’s hard…
*cires*
When you just love your country so much and you see..
*cries*
You see what’s happening to it. But anyway…
*blows snot*
How did all this come about, you may be wondering. Well, it all started with Woodrow Wilson…”