Daily Chronicling Sept. 26, 2012

Let’s take a look back.

 

Mitt Romney is going to start getting tough and not pull any punches. This means he will lose by 12.

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Iran’s Mahmoud Ahadinejad calls for a new world order. In other news, he should be dead soon.

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A guy who helped torture and kill Gadhafi has now been tortured and killed. Libya’s really catching on to democracy.

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The NFL has already tainted its season by using replacement referees. Let’s see if they can go a few more weeks and destroy the whole thing.

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Hey, look! Madonna got herself in the news. Who could have seen that coming?

-WKW

100% of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are jerks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Gallup poll today showing that a large percentage of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are “jerks.”

The poll – which took the opinions of one Mitt Romney over a 10-state area – showed some negative trends for the U.S. public. By wide margins, American citizens were thought to be “stupid,” and “Jerks,” and that they “should not be involved in the governing process.

Politifact gave the “U.S. Citizens are Jerks” belief a “Completely Totally Kind of Not True” rating. The poll has a +/- of three percent.

Another poll, this one released by Rasmussen Polls, showed the Romney has pulled into a slight lead of 46%-45% in a new poll of “People Who Have Been Personally Wronged By President Barack Obama.”

 

-WKW

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Donate to me or I won’t Tweet & Blog Obama to victory

My friends, the 2012 U.S. elections are the most important of our lives. Which is why you should give me money.

Yes, my friends, it is that time again - the time for you to decide how much you love your country by giving money to a U.S. blogger residing in Brazil. As has been proven time and again, my words reverberate around the globe and give President Barack Obama a distinct edge in his race against humanoid life form Mitt Romney. For instance, when I tweeted this:

Remember: The Republican who is now telling you Romney is right will be saying Romney lost because he “isn’t a real conservative” on Nov. 7.

More than 36 people retweeted it. According to my math, that means 52 million registered voters saw that tweet. That’s the kind of power I have. That’s the kind of sway I have.

Am I saying that I alone - through tweets and blog posts such as this - control the fate of this election? Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. And while I identify as a liberal, I’m willing to go Republican on y’all until some donations start rolling in. That’s right, I’ll stop with “witty-to-partisans-but-annoyng-to-conservatives” banter. Then where will be? Ill tell you where, in the United States of Mormon with Mitt Romney just signing anything that gets to his table.

But we needn’t worry about such things. Just give ol’ Bill a taste. That’s all I’m asking. Do that, and that President you really seem to like gets re-elected.

P.S. By the way, I will be doing my second Fox News Election Live-Blog on Nov. 6. I’ll be calling it “Fox News Election Live-Blog the Sequel.” Or something. But the 2008 live-blog was quite popular, if you remember.

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Thanks,

Bill

Rest in peace, Angela

My wife’s aunt Angela committed suicide a few days ago. She had long threatened to do so and had several unsuccessful attempts.

This is not the story of others missing the signs, however. It is the story of a troubled woman who never joined the fight to improve her situation. Angela was the youngest of nine children and lived a chaotic existence. Her troubles were many, and not to be listed here.

Her death has given me reason to reflect on my own life and my own struggles. For so long, I was lost in a world of my own, unwilling to reach out for help for a drinking problem or for my own depression. While I never contemplated suicide, I imagine there would not have been widespread shock if I had.

For Angela, sadly, this is a story of inevitability. She was unable to cope with her world and unwilling to ask for help from those who loved her. Her death was inevitable.

My story became one of inevitability when I met my wife Emilia. With a strong, happy and loyal woman at my side, it was inevitable my life would improve. And it did.

I suppose what I’ve really learned is how alike we all are. We all have our moments when we are terrible people to be around. When we feel life is more of a chore than we care to undertake. When self-pity makes us unbearable to ourselves and to those around us. We all have times when the person we dislike the most is us.

Suicide isn’t an inevitability. It is a one-time action with the ultimate of results. It takes away every good and bad moment you will ever have. I have felt lows I thought I could never climb out of, but with help, I did. And every smile or laugh or good feeling I now have is my reward. The love I have for my wife is the best of those rewards. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She is why my lows are not at all what they used to be.

I refuse to judge Angela for what she did, though. It was as much the wiring in her brain as the sadness in her heart that led to her final act. All I can hope is that those with problems they cannot handle find a loved one to speak to about it. There is no weakness in asking for help. And every day, the words “mental problems” gain a more honest and less mockable definition.

If you feel you have hit the wall, talk to someone about it. The embarrassment of speaking of your own weaknesses is nothing compared to the devastation brought upon by keeping it to yourself or by suicide.

Angela, however, made her decision. Her final decision. May she now have the peace she could never find in life. Rest in peace, Angela.

Bill

Agree with Mitt Romney? Then tell a Walmart employee to show some personal responsibility

After Mitt Romney made it clear that he thinks 47 percent of the U.S. are lazy parasites, plenty of people applauded him for speaking the truth.

For those people, I ask you only this: The next time you go to Walmart - the nation’s largest employer and killer of Mom-and-Pop stores across the U.S. - and buy cheap crap made in China by slave labor, please tell every employee you encounter to show some personal responsibility for their lives. Because American tax payers are paying for most of them to work there, while Walmart’s owners are raking in insane profits.

-WKW

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House GOP passes bill requesting Al Qaeda attack U.S. in late-October

WASHINGTON - In its last action before recess, GOP representatives passed a bill through the House that would require President Barack Obama to send a personal letter to Al Qaeda leaders, requesting a large terrorist attack on a blue state of the U.S. in late-October. The bill passed across party lines.

“We feel that a large-scale terrorist attack on the U.S. and its citizens is just what America needs right now,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “Just one devastating attack would be the end of this President, meaning lower taxes and more jobs would be on the way.”

While the attacks of 9/11 brought the nation together, most experts agree that Republicans would turn on the President immediately if there were another attack on U.S. soil.

“From holding the nation’s economy hostage to politicizing the death of a U.S. Ambassador minutes after he died, the Republican agenda is pretty obvious,” said the anonymous expert. “They are loyal to modern conservative ideals and big business. Oh, and Grover Norquist. They’re quite loyal to him, as well.”

Amendments tacked on to the bill include the death sentence for any woman who has an abortion, a complete repeal of Obamacare and a 100 percent tax cut for those making $10 million or more per year.

“We just want America to go back to the good ol’ days of 9/11, when a Republican was President,” Boehner added. “This bill proves that the GOP is working to make America a better place.”

The bill is likely to stall in the Senate, and White House sources said that President Obama would veto the bill if it made it to his desk.

Asked for comment, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney said he would have likely phrased some of the wording in the bill differently.

-WKW

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Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden and Saddam attack Brazil

Just a few more candidates running for office down here in Brazil. Here’s hoping Walt Disney and “Bio” Clinton keep us safe.

HT Kibe Loco

-WKW

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The 4th Estate: Feeding cake to power, figuratively and literally

A Politico reporter literally gives Mitt Romney some of her birthday cake, as George Stephanopoulus figuratively feeds Romney cake by allowing him to call President Obama a liar without asking the Republican nominee about his own well-deserved reputation as a liar.

The U.S. Media: Feeding cake to power.

(Photo via AP)

-WKW

 

Breaking: Romney accuses Obama of “Sympathizing with Mayans”

EL PASO - Continuing his assault against the President, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney today accused Barack Obama of “sympathizing with Mayans.”

“As the Mayans have foretold, the world as we know it will end any day now,” said Romney, smirking. “And what does this President do? He says we should never speak bad about them. He sympathizes with Mayans as the world nears apocalypse.”

The Obama Administration responded quickly.

“We have no idea whatsoever Gov. Romney is speaking of,” said an administration source. “We are starting to believe our opponent has gone completely off his nut.”

Ancient Mayan officials were unavailable for comment.

-WKW

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Romney, Palin demand people be allowed to yell “Fire!” in crowded theaters

DES MOINES - Appearing together on stage for the first time, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney and former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin had harsh words for the administration of President Barack Obama.

“By even mentioning that he did not like an anti-Muslim video, Obama has put all Americans in grave danger,” said Romney, smirking. “And when I say Americans, I’m not including troops overseas, because I’m only talking about important things in this speech.”

Romney added that all speech of all types must be free, lest the United States become a totalitarian dictatorship.

“Who says you can’t yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater?” asked Romney, smirking. “I’ll tell you who tells you that – communist dictators who aren’t real Americans. People getting trampled by the invisible feet of the free market is what America is all about.”

Palin, known for not making the cut at Fox News, gave an inspired speech that touched on several issues.

“I’m being censored! Todd! Free Speech! Trip! Salmon!,” said Palin, as Romney smirked beside her. “Bristol! Blargle!”

The pair were only on stage together for two minutes, speaking to a crowd estimated at 7. Romney later smirkily added that he believes the phrase “Shoot first, ask questions later” should be in the U.S. Constitution.

-WKW

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Breaking: Obama campaign donates $1 million to Mitt Romney

WASHINGTON - The re-election campaign for President Barack Obama has made a $1 million donation to the Mitt Romney campaign. The donation comes on the heels of Romney’s recent foray into foreign affairs, accusing Obama of sympathizing with Islamic extremists, despite the fact that it never happened.

Sources close to the Obama campaign said they wanted to make the donation to give Romney more chances to appear on television so voters could see more of him.

“For a long time, we were worried about raising less money than the Romney campaign,” said an Obama campaign strategist. “Now we realize that it is an advantage for us. The more people see of Romney, the better things look for Barack.”

Romney - who when still and silent looks incredibly Presidential - has struggled with his mouth and thought process the entire campaign. From forgetting to mention the troops at the RNC Convention, to seeming completely detached to how much money he actually has, to blatantly lying about Obama’s Presidency, and much, much more, Romney has put himself in line to be the worst Republican nominee for President since John McCain.

The Team Obama source said that it is obvious that Romney gets stupider the more money he has, thus it is vital for him to speak as much as possible these next two months.

“He looks good, but the man has no clue, and we want to hear more from him,” said the source. “So we ask all Obama supporters to donate to the Romney campaign. Because the more people see Mitt, the more people will realize he has no business being anywhere near the Presidency.”

-WKW

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Sept. 11 - There is no comparison

Today is the 11th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the United States. It is a day for remembrance of those who lost their lives and loved ones.  And it’s a day to remember those who have used 9/11 to advance their own political agendas:

“I know in your mind, you can think of the times America was attacked. One is Dec. 7, that’s Pearl Harbor Day. The other is Sept. 11, and that’s the day the terrorists attacked. I want you to remember Aug. 1, 2012, the attack on our religious freedom. That is a day that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.” — Rep. Mike Kelly R-Pa.

 

Compared voting in 2010 elections to 9/11 - Gary Bauer, Republican politician.

 

“How can we not make a correlation between this culture of death in which the most innocent, defenseless, and critically ill human lives are threatened with death and terrorist attacks, such as those of September 11, in which thousands of innocent people were slaughtered?” — Catholic Cardinal Francis Arinze.

 

In a closed door House GOP meeting Thursday, Indiana congressman and gubernatorial candidate Mike Pence likened the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding the Democratic health care law to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, according to several sources present.

 

“If the country is ever attacked as it was on 9/11, we all respond with a sense of urgency,” [CNBC's Rick] Santelli said in a roundtable discussion on NBC’s “Meet the Press” about the Wisconsin labor protests. “What’s going on on balance sheets throughout the country is the same type of attack.”

 

“The day that bill was passed will be remembered just as 9-11 was remembered in history. It was an attempt by these people in Washington to defy the Constitution.” - Carl Paladino, Republican politician from N.Y.

 

“If players want to strike, they ought to just pick Sept. 11, because that’s what it’s going to do to the game.” — Cincinnati Reds GM Jim Bowden.

 

“This is an issue just like 9-11. We didn’t decide we wanted to fight the war on terrorism because we wanted to. It was brought to us. And if not now, when? When the supreme courts in all the other states have succumbed to the Massachusetts version of the law?” — Republican politician and Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, referring to marriage equality.

 

“[W]hat happened in 2000 did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as terrorists did to the pillars of commerce in New York City.” - Alec Baldwin, actor and political gadfly.

 

“Barack Obama is a bigger disaster to this country than 9-11.” Radio host Neil Boortz.

 

At the end of his radio interview with Mike Huckabee on Monday, [Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.)] explained his position by invoking the first responders who ran into the Twin Towers.

 

“Here we have a decision, a landmark ruling which will go down in history and every single person listening to this radio program was alive and experienced this day like we did 9/11. The question is, what will our response be?” — Troy Newman, Operation Rescue.

 

Nearly 3,000 innocent people were killed in the attacks of Sept. 11. Nothing compares to that day.

-WKW

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I’m an Atheist but I love God - Just like you

In the past several months, I have noticed that this blog has been rapidly losing its readership. I blame this on two major factors: 1) People are morons, and; 2) People seem to think that because I’m an Atheist, I do not love God.

There’s not much I can do in regard to the first factor, but in regards to the second factor, I feel I must be honest with the public - despite being an Atheist, I love God. Just like you do.

My love of God is ridiculous. God is The Man, in my book. Everything about God is just super-fantastic and I will fight to my final breath to keep God alive at this blog. Because God is crazy awesome.

Some people have wondered why I do not blog more about the U.S. troops currently in war zones. Well, I feel that my love of God covers that issue. I love God + God loves the troops = I love the troops. This is infallible logic.

And, wow, do I love God. And Jesus. I really, really love Jesus. He’s the tits, man. Did you know that you cannot get to heaven unless you acept that Jesus Christ is the most awesomest God of all the Gods? With the exception of God, of course. But still, Jesus is not someone to take lightly. He cured people. He was so cool, that people who never met him wrote a big-ass book about him a century or so after he died. That just rocks.

And the Holy Spirit? Well, I’m not sure what that’s all about, but rest assured I love Him/Her/It as much as anyone on this planet today.

Not only do I love God and Jesus, and to a lesser extent the Holy Spirit, I will fight for them. For instance, I am against the government plan to take God off of coins and folding money. I am against the government taking God out of churches. Sure, neither of these issues have ever actually been brought up at the federal level, but when you love God the way I do, you take no chances.

Some may say that I am coming out as a God-lover in order to pander to my lost readers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love God and always have, even though I deny his actual existence. So, in conclusion, I admit that I am, in fact, an Atheist. But don’t mind that. Just know that I love God and Jesus. Just like you do.

-WKW

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Vote for me for that office I deserve

It has been several months since I, William K. Wolfrum, formally declared my intention to run for the office that I deserve to win. Since then, I have had multiple donors who have helped me spread my message across this great land.

My message is built on simplicity - I deserve to be elected to the office that I want to win. There are multiple reasons why I feel deserving. For one, I love America. Truly love it. I believe America is the greatest county in the history of countries. More than that, it is better than the nomadic tribes that preceded countries. America is just a kick-ass country and I love it. America is where dreams happen. Which is why I deserve to be elected to that office that I want.

Another factor is that I love my wife. Truly love her. Let her tell you:

“My husband truly loves me,” said William K. Wolfrum’s wife in a phone interview.

I also love my dogs. I love the hell out of them. I pet them and give them food and speak very kindly to them because I heard dogs like that sort of thing. Feel free to vote for that other person who doesn’t love dogs. Just know I do love them. I love my wife more, of course, and I love America even more than her, but make no mistake - I also love my dogs.

Sure, some people are against my candidacy. They feel I haven’t been open enough about my financial affairs and past work. Well, the simple fact is that I have been far more open than most candidates on these issues. Here are the facts: I have personal finances that I take care of. I could have a little, I could have a lot. I could have in-between. But that’s all just speculation and I won’t give the media the satisfaction of speculating on my finances.

As for my past, I have long been open about that, as well. In the past, I did a lot of things. Some of those things were good, some were bad. I am human just like you, and I have made mistakes. But not really bad mistakes and not mistakes I feel should keep me from being elected to the office I am seeking.

If and when I am elected to that office, I promise you I will help lead this nation/state/county/city out of the doldrums. My plans are based on making things better for everyone, not just the select few. By harnessing the power of freedom, the free market, patriotism and liberty, I will take this nation/state/county/city back to where it once was, during those great days of yore when everything was just excellent.

My friends, your choice is clear. I, William K. Wolfrum, have shown that I not only love America, my wife and my dogs, but also you. Yes, I truly love each one of you. That is why I have detailed my past and policy positions in this post. Because I am a straight-shooting truth-teller.

So remember to vote for William K. Wolfrum for that office I’m running for in November. This is the most important election in the history of America. You can vote for some undeserving jerk that doesn’t love America, or their spouse or their dogs. Or you can vote for someone you know and trust. For that office. That I deserve.

-WKW

Fact-Checking William K. Wolfrum: The Fact-Checkening

Over the years, William K. Wolfrum has made numerous outlandish claims in blogs, on Twitter, in real life and occasionally while sleeping. Such claims demand non-partisan fact-checking to give the public the truth of the matter. That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, have taken it upon myself to fact-check some of these claims.

Of course, some claims are somewhat nebulous in nature and can’t be conclusively proven as true or false. This is why I have created the Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter to help rank the truth: True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.

Using these simple classifications, the reader will now know which of the following claims hold are True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.

Let us begin.

Claim: God “Bought His Mom A House” after signing a 4-year contract with Democrats.

Humanity has long debated the existence of God. With no ability to completely verify if God exists, there is no ability to know whether God, in fact, has a mother, and if God bought his mother a house.

Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind of Possibly True.

Claim: Bobby the Dog Hates Baths

While Bobby the Dog obviously doesn’t “like” baths, it is not clear if dogs can experience a complex emotion such as “Hate.”

Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Mostly Partially True.

Claim: “We White males have long showed we know what is best for women, as can be seen by how rarely we use the word “vag*na.”

While it is inconclusive whether or not White males actually know what’s best for women, it is documented fact that men have asserted control over women for most of the history of civilization. It is unclear whether or not White men use the word “vagina” more than other races or genders.

Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish.

Claim: “Everything in life is better if you add a duck.”

Ducks eat frogs. Everything in life is worse for frogs when you introduce the presence of a duck.

Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Kind of Not True.

Claim: “Ducks eat Frogs.”

A search of the internet stated that ducks eat frogs. Being that this information came from the internet, it is impossible to judge its veracity.

Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Feh.

That’s all for this week’s Fact-Checkening. This will be a continuing feature on this blog. However, due to the complexities of the word “Truth,” and the fact that saying something is “True” or “False” tends to upset people, it will instead be a “Reality Check.”

The categories for the upcoming “Reality-Checkening” series will include: Reality, Mostly Reality, Sort of Reality, Reality-ish, Reality-esque, Partially Mostly Reality, Completely Totally Mostly Partially Reality, Partially Sort of Reality, Partially Kind Of Possibly Reality-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not Reality, Partially Sort of Not Reality, Not Reality-ish, Not Reality-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not Reality, Completely Totally Kind of Not Reality, and Pants Unrealistically Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll..

-WKW

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