Local man unsure over whether to buy wife Christmas sweater - life as we know it hangs in the balance

DUBLIN, Ohio — The fate of the world as we know it is at stake as a local man is still undecided whether to buy his wife a $200 cardigan sweater for Christmas, or to save the money for upcoming economic problems. And with Christmas fast approaching, Tim Johnson, the manager of the lighting and fixture department at Kohls on Main Street, has yet to make up his mind on a transaction that has garnered worldwide attention.

“This is a lot of pressure,” said Johnson.

The situation is this: Johnson’s wife, Leticia, has long wanted a stylish cardigan sweater. Johnson has found a sweater that she’d love, but it costs $200. Johnson is thus faced with a dilemma, one that he still has no answer for - does he buy his wife the sweater, making him and her happy for the short term? Or does he save the money in case hard times are ahead, being more responsible?

Johnson’s shopping dilemma reached the international press due to the fact that the salesman at the “Di Vinci Designs” where Johnson was shopping, also writes for the Web site BizNass.com. Ben Tackfield wrote of Johnson’s indecision late Monday night, and thousands of other Web sites linked to it. Suddenly, everyone was thinking the same thing: If Johnson buys the sweater, he may suffer personal financial problems. If he doesn’t buy it, millions will follow suit,, and the world economy as we know it will crash. Basically, the modern consumerist movement rests in Johnson’s hands, as Tackfield wrote.

Already, major financial institutions are calling it the “Tim Johnson Effect,” and predicting an economic downturn unlike any other should Johnson decide to save his money.

“We’ll be looking at not just bailouts, but the likelihood of being forced to sell many of our citizens into slavery to China,” said Morris Templeton III of CitiGroup. “If he buys it, we might just get through this, if not, it’ll be a bloodbath. This is the most important decision ever.”

Johnson said he understood the gravity of the situation, but was still torn.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t want to be the guy who takes out society as we know it, you know?” said Johnson. “But, you know, I felt that sweater and now I understand why she wants it. I’d really like to get it for her. This is a toughie.”

Mainly what happened was that we brought him in to the equation,” said Tackfield. “You know how scientists can bias their experiments? Well, we totally did that. Yeah. And now everyone’s totally into it. This is just great for our SEO rankings.”

-WKW

When WKW goes viral

In the latest episode of “Hey, How About I post Some Old Links So I don’t Have to Write Anything Original,” we’ll take a look at posts I’ve written in the past that have gone “viral.” By my definition, “going viral” means that at least four other people not related to me and not a member of the William K. Wolfrum Premium Club, read it.

So, along with a WorldGolf.com post I found clever, here’s a look at a few things I’ve done in the past that have drawn some notice:

“The Martin Eisenstadt Chronicles” - a one-stop shop of the Martin Eisenstadt Hoax.

“Shroud of Turin golf towel: bring idol worship to your golf bag”

“Available at eBay for the sacrilegiously low price of $8 (plus $5 shipping), the Shoud of Turin golf towel handily comes with a grommet, which, let’s face it, was all the original one was missing.”

“Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican Platform”

“John McCain has made it clear that he will not speak to or about Jesus Christ until Christ shows him the respect he deserves,” said Davis. “John McCain was a POW and deserves respect. Jesus obviously can’t understand the kind of sacrifice John McCain made.”

“Fox News Channel Election Day Live Blog”

“The McCain campaign is supposedly addressing the nightmare Black Panther issue that threatens American democracy.”

“Dear Barack Obama: Can we start killing Conservatives, aborting full-term babies and acting like communist Islamofascists yet?”

“And with the blood of your newborn children running down our chins, we - the victorious - will all simultaneously pray to Allah as Barack Obama summons Satan and all the horrific things from Revelations (the only part of the New Testament any of you have read) will come true in all its flaming, semen-drenched glory.”

“To Save America, we need the Black Death”

“There was a sense of community and purpose as people rushed to bury and burn bodies. There was no debate over politics or policies or war. There was only endless mourning and death.”

More to come …

-WKW

Coming next: Sexy Conservative Dudes running over Polar Bears in their Hummers

Struggling to meet your rent? Worried that your job my be in jeopardy? Can’t afford used jeans? Then wear mink!

Yes, ABC News - a news organization that truly “gets it” - has put up their display of “Conservative Women Pretty in Mink.” It’s a wonderful photo essay focusing on Conservative entertainers like Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter “not getting it” to an almost surreal degree.

Coming next week: Shirtless Conservative Studs Running Over Polar Bears in Their Hummers.

The modern conservative movement - no, they aren’t dinosaurs. The dinosaurs went out with much more dignity.

-WKW

4 out of 5 doctors surveyed recommend continuing to hit yourself in the head

LIMA, Peru - In a new study sponsored by the Heritage Foundation, 80 percent of medical doctors surveyed have stated that the best way to eliminate self-inflicted head pain is to continue hitting yourself on the head, possibly even increasing the intensity of the self-mutilation.

“We went into this with a non-biased methodology,” said Hans Shrinkman of the Heritage Foundation. “Of the five doctors we spoke to, four were unequivocal - self-inflicted head trauma can be improved by inflicting more of the same, with greater degrees of intensity.”

While there is as of yet scientific reasoning for this phenomenon, the doctors surveyed made it clear that their expertise on the matter made it impossible for anyone to argue with them.

“If your plan is to beat yourself to death with a hammer, it makes perfect sense to follow through,” said one of the surveyed doctors. “If you’re using a claw-hammer to beat yourself with, why not take some time to think about it - using the clawed end to hit yourself with makes much better sense.”

Still, one of the doctors surveyed argued vehemently with the findings.

“This is just stupid,” said the dissenting doctor. “Eventually, we’ll just have a nation of people with smashed-in skulls.”

All four of the opposing doctors were quick to point out that the dissenting doctor is stupid and prone to radical bursts of hyperbole.

“Don’t listen to him,” said one of the doctors. “Just keep hitting yourself.”

There remains a possibility that this research will quickly make its way into legislation, as lame-duck President George W. Bush is now considering a $10 billion bail-out to companies that make hammers and baseball bats.

-WKW

15 minutos da fama em Brasil?

(Click here for English Version)

Há alguns dias atrás, eu fui mencionado na hiper conhecida revista semanal brasileira VEJA, que possui 700 milhões de leitores (falando sério, são muitos leitores), e talvez mais esteja por vir. Parece que a Grande Eisenstadt Farsa de 2008 chegou ao Brasil, tendo o meu envolvimento na estória despertado algum interesse.

Estaria muito mais excitado sobre tudo isso, senão fosse o fato de ter vivido no Brasil durante os últimos quarto anos e assistido ao que acontece com os obscuramente famosos por aqui. Ora, é muito pouco provável que qualquer coisa ocorra em decorrência desses eventos, mas a fama é um animal volúvel neste país. Eu poderia adquirir uma fama momentânea.

Agora, o que eu gostaria mesmo é ser convidado para uma mesa redonda, em que todos participantes, vestindo gravatas e fumando cachimbos, discutissem questões sociais e políticas. Entretanto, não há a menor chance disso acontecer. Caso eu alcance algum nível de celebridade, ocorrerá da seguinte maneira:

A produção do amalucado show matutino do Marcelo e Marcelinho (ou seja lá o nome) me convidará para participar do programa. Os apresentadores ficarão maravilhados com o meu péssimo português e, será o esporte deles, tirar onda com a minha cara.

Após, serei convidado para o programa de variedades de Domingo Caldeirão do Hulk. Lá o apresentador, Luciano Hulk, conversará comigo, insistirá e, finalmente, me persuadirá a dizer algo estúpido. Então, ele começará um jogo que envolve um bambolê e bolas de tênis, no qual estarei competindo contra a mãe de um dos participantes do Big Brother Brasil 2005. Ninguém terá a menor idéia de quem sou, mas não estarão nem aí, exceto pelo lado esquerdo da platéia, que teria ganhado um desconto em uma churrascaria, se eu fosse o vencedor da competição, mas eu a perdi. Em seguida, um baixinho entrará no palco cantando, as dançarinas cairão no embalo com entusiasmo exagerado e eu seguirei meu caminho.

Após, aparecerei como convidado do Super Pop, com a apresentadora Luciana Gimenez. Ela falará sobre Mick Jagger, como se ambos fossem melhores amigos e carinhosos pais. Aí, conversaremos por meia hora sobre travestis, por que todos episódios do Super Pop é, simplesmente, uma longa discussão sobre travestis.

A próxima parada será o programa Pânico na TV. O cara que imita o Silvio Santos falará comigo em disparada durante uns cinco minutos, mas não entenderei nem uma palavra do que ele fala. Em seguida, eles vão querer que eu arremesse mortadelas na bunda da Sabrina Sato. Aí, começarão arremessar mortadelas em mim. Ninguém tem a menor idéia quem sou ou porque eu estou lá. Até o lado esquerdo do palco estará contra mim, parcialmente, em virtude de minha medíocre performance no arremesso de mortadela.

Brevemente, depois disso, aparecerei em fotos na revista de fofocas Caras, recebendo atenção como o antipático estrangeiro que sempre está presente em todas as festas, mas ninguém sabe na realidade quem ele é. Eu serei o arroz de festa.

Minha fama finalmente atingirá seu ápice e, ao final, posarei nu para “G” Magazine, juntamente, com Marcelo Silva e Alexandre Frota. Então, recusarei a proposta para participar de um filme pornô e estarei de volta a estaca zero, mas com a vantagem ser objeto de ridículo, devido minhas inabilidades de atirar mortadelas e atuar em um longa metragem pornográfico.

Basicamente, eu poderia estar na estrada a caminho de ser uma celebridade brasileira. Mas vou te falar uma coisa, é uma estrada extremamente humilhante, com uma destinação igualmente humilhante. Seriam os quatro dias mais longos de minha vida.

-WKW

(Translation to Portuguese by Emilia Wolfrum)

Also posted at William K. Wolfrum in Bad Portuguese

15 minutes of humiliating Brazilian fame?

(Click here for the Portuguese version)

A couple days ago, I was mentioned the hyper-popular, 700 million-readership (seriously, it’s a lot) Brazilian magazine Veja. And there may be more to come. It seems the great Martin Eisenstadt Hoax of 2008 has made it down to Brazil, and my involvement in the story has sparked some Brazilian interest.

I would be more excited about this if it wasn’t for the fact that I have lived in Brazil for four years and I’ve seen what happens to the obscurely famous around here. It’s not a pretty picture. Now, it’s highly unlikely any thing will come of this, but fame is a fickle beast in Brazil. I could garner momentary fame.

Now, what I’d like is to be invited to some panel show where we all sit around in ties, smoke pipes and talk about social and political issues. But there’s no way in hell that’s going to happen. If I reach any level of celebrity, it will go down something like this:

The crazy morning show Marcelo and Marcelinho (or whatever) will track me down and call me to be on their show. They will marvel at my lack of Portuguese skills, and take sport in mocking me.

Then I will get invited to the Sunday variety show Caldeirao do Huck. Host Luciano Huck will talk to me and prod me to say something stupid, I’ll oblige. Then he’ll start some game that involves a hula-hoop and tennis balls, and I’ll be competing against the mother of one of the houseguests of Big Brother Brasil 2005. No one will even have the slightest idea who I am, but won’t really care. Except for the left side of the room, who will each receive a discount at a barbecue if I win. But I’ll lose. Then a little guy will come out singing, and the samba girls will dance out with far too much enthusiasm, and I’ll be on my way.

Then I will appear as a guest on Super Pop with host Luciana Gimenez. She will talk about Mick Jagger as though the two of them are the best of friends and loving parents. Then we will talk for 30 minutes about transvestites. Because every episode of Super Pop is really just a long discussion of transvestites.

The next stop will be the show Panico Na TV. They’ll have the guy who impersonates Silvio Santos jabbering at me for five full minutes, but I won’t understand a single word he says. Then they’ll try and get me to throw bologna at Sabrina Sato’s butt. Then they’ll throw bologna at me. No one has any idea who I am or why I am there. Even the left side of the room will be against me, due in part to my mediocre bologna throwing skills.

Briefly after that, I will occasionally show up in pictures in the gossip magazines, garnering attention as the annoying foreigner who shows up at all the parties even though no one really knows who he is. I will be the Rice at the Party.

My fame will finally reach its apex, and its end, when I am featured naked in a Brazilian magazine alongside Marcelo Silva and Alexandre Frota. Then, I’ll turn down an offer to be in a porno, and I’ll be back to square one, but with the added benefit of being a laughingstock as people can’t get over my inability to throw bologna or star in pornos.

Basically, I could possibly be on the road toward Brazilian celebrity. And let me tell you, it’s an utterly humiliating road, with an equally humiliating destination. It would be the longest four days of my life.

-WKW

Hitler had just one testicle - Hitler nuts remain numerous, however

Finally, the controversy over the exact number of testicles belonging to Adolf Hitler can be put to rest. Hitler was monorchic. We have a witness:

AN extraordinary account from a German army medic has finally confirmed what the world long suspected: Hitler only had one ball.

War veteran Johan Jambor made the revelation to a priest in the 1960s, who wrote it down.

The priest’s document has now come to light – 23 years after Johan’s death.

Until now there has never been complete proof Hitler was monorchic – the medical term for having one testicle.

But the document tells how Johan saw the proof with his own eyes. In the account, he relives the horror of serving as an army medic in World War I.

Despite the new official testicle count, Godwin’s Law remains in effect. Because the new news doesn’t change the number of nuts out there:

“Today in America we are witnessing a repeat performance of the tragedy of 1933 when an entire nation let itself be led like a lamb to the Socialist slaughterhouse. This time, the end of freedom is inevitable unless America rises to her mission and destiny.”

-WKW

Monty Python goes YouTube

Whenever you start thinking things are in a never-ending spiral, something happens that restores your faith. Today’s faith-restoration: Monty Python has started its own YouTube page:

It seems as though the Python boys have had enough with people ripping them off and posting lousy videos of their skits. So they’re taking a stand - if anyone’s going to give away their content for free, it will be them. Take a look at all they have to offer here, and stop worrying about the importance of not being seen.

-WKW

Anonymous source tells anonymous reporter that something will happen at some place , eventually

By Jane or John Doe

SOMEWHERE - A high-ranking official with an important title at an unknowable organization has said the United States may soon face great peril at some time in the future.

“This is going to be big. Or not,” the anonymous source said. “Whatever it is and whenever and wherever it happens, it will undoubtedly be something.”

Among the possibilities for what could happen, the source said it could be a terrorist attack, a bird flu epidemic, zombies, hail, a victory by the Cincinnati Bengals, pirate attacks, global thermonuclear war, the Apocalypse, or, just a lazy Saturday.

“I can neither confirm nor deny any of this at this point,” said the source, “but anything is possible.”

Another alternate source stepped forward to vouch for the original anonymous source.

“I may or may not personally know the original anonymous source,” said the second anonymous source. “But when he or she makes a statement like this, bank on it. Something will happen. Eventually. Somewhere.”

Anonymous government officials have also stepped forward, telling concerned citizens that now may or may not be a good time to load up on such items as duct tape, shotgun shells, bug repellent, dry ice, bottle water, diapers, playing cards, gold and other items.

“People need to be ready for this,” the anonymous government officials said of the original anonymous source’s prediction that was backed by a second, separate (perhaps) anonymous source. “Don’t say you weren’t warned.”

-WKW

Conflicts of WTF??

What is this “conflicts of interests” that you speak? And vetting? I’m sorry, I believe you have the wrong political system.

A team of lawyers trying to facilitate the potential nomination spent the weekend looking into Mr. Clinton’s philanthropic organization, interactions with foreign governments and ties to pharmaceutical companies, a Democrat close to both camps said. While Mr. Clinton has used his foundation to champion efforts to fight AIDS, poverty and climate change around the world, he has also taken millions in speaking fees and contributions from foreign officials and businesses with interests in American governmental policies.

Obama advisers are discussing what Mr. Clinton would need to do to avoid a conflict of interest with the duties of his wife, who is said to be interested in the post. “That’s the first and most important hurdle,” said a senior adviser to Mr. Obama. “He does good work. No one wants it to stop, but a structure to avoid conflicts must be thought of.”

Say what you will, but right now the last word you can use in regard to Barack Obama is “unprepared.” I am thus far impressed with the former Senator.

-WKW

Diego Maradona and the Ministry of Knowledge

Brazilians and Argentinians have long argued who was the better soccer player: Was it Argentina’s Diego Maradona, or Brazil’s Pele. And while they were both otherworldly on the pitch, the sensible selection for this question is Pele. The great Brazilian champion dominated while a teenager, dominated after coming back from injury, and dominated with a great team around him. And he still stands tall as one of Brazil’s biggest, and most loved stars.

As for Maradona, he helped Argentina to a World Cup title (cheating along the way) and showcased his considerable skills in Italy. But then he met cocaine, and his career fizzled as drugs and high-living robbed years off his playing career. Still, Maradona has always been a major - if not flighty- personality. He gained a lot of weight, had stomach surgery to fix that; started a popular talk-show in Argentina where the likes of Shaquille O’Neal and Hugo Chavez were guests.

And now, this man and his past are the head coach of the Argentina national football squad. The question remain is how long he’ll last, as he’s already threatened desertion should he not get the assistant coaches he wants.

But Maradona is a shrewd one. Obviously having studied the Bush/Chavez playbook, Maradona now wants his name striken from interwebs in Argentina.

From Time:

Argentines clicking on the local version of Yahoo in search of information about their country’s most legendary soccer star (and current national team coach) are in for a disappointment. All they’ll see is a disclaimer in Spanish stating: “Due to a court order requested by private parties, we find ourselves obliged to temporarily suspend all or some of the results related to this search.” The only exceptions are links to major news media sites. Nor is this peculiar result exclusive to searches for Diego Maradona. The soccer star is just one of 110 major public figures in Argentina to have secured a court order restraining the Argentine versions of Google and Yahoo from serving up search results on their name

What worries the search engines is that the ruling’s legal principle effectively holds them responsible for the content of web sites turned up in their searches.

A spokesperson for Google Argentina labeled the lawsuit “completely illogical. It would be like suing the newsstand for what appears in the newspapers it sells. Or demanding the newsstand vendor to tear out offending pages from the newspapers. The lawsuits should be against the websites carrying the information, not us.” Google Argentina has appealed the court order, and says it will not filter any links until the appeal has been decided.

The lawsuit is the work of Martin Leguizamon, 48, a Buenos Aires attorney who has taken on the local versions of the two internet giants on behalf of many of Argentina’s best-known actors, models, sports personalities and judges. “We started our first lawsuit two years ago,” says Leguizamon. “When Maradona found out about what we were doing he came to see me and asked me to represent him as well.”

Maradona, widely viewed as one of the greatest soccer players of all time, has had a career of highs and lows. His two goals against England at the 1986 World Cup — one of them scored illegally with his hand, which he famously attributed to “the hand of God” — helped to symbolically avenge Argentina’s defeat in the 1982 Falklands/Malvinas war, and he went on to lead Argentina to victory over Germany in the final that year. But he was banned from the professional game in Italy in 1991 for cocaine use, and he tested positive for drugs at the 1994 World Cup tournament. He recently reclaimed the public spotlight by accepting the job of Argentina’s national coach, although in keeping with his mercurial personality, within a week he was threatening to resign if he couldn’t get his way on coaching-staff appointments.

Earlier, I had begged for Argentina to give Maradona the job, and they came through. Now, we have time to enjoy Maradona’s stunts for a short time, It’ll be fun to watch, but over quickly. And when he’s finally fired or forced to quit, it will be everybody’s fault but his own. Thankfully for him though, Google and Yahoo will have kept Maradona’s madness away from curious Web searchers.

-WKW

Quote of the Day - Andrew Malcolm Edition

“I actually contacted the Times’ Readers representative department, and while they were very pleasant and promised to address the issue with Mr. Malcolm, I’d be pretty much willing to bet that Mr. Malcolm - as a political “expert” - really could care less. He doesn’t have to.

And the good part for Malcolm is that “Marty” will be coming up with TONS of stuff like this over the next three months. Sadly, his attempt to make a big deal about the Jonas Brothers failed, but he connected on this Blackstone/Hilton/McCain invention.

As no type of retraction or admission of error is likely to be forthcoming, I must say I look forward to Mr. Malcolm continuing to do his part in enhancing Abrad2345′s career by using “Marty” as a source often.”

-William K. Wolfrum on Andrew Malcolm’s L.A. Times blog on Aug. 6. Yesterday, Malcolm finally took credit for being hoaxed, but did so only in a strange post that tried to humorously shame Eisenstadt for fooling him.

-WKW

Final thoughts from the eye of the Eisenstadt hurricane

A long, long time ago, on an Internets far, far away, two filmmakers who briefly hoaxed a blogger from a popular Web site. Chagrined, the blogger began researching how and why he was hoaxed, and eventually came up with the truth. This is that blogger’s story.

Yes, friends, yesterday I got to watch a media storm from the inside. Except that I learned that you don’t really get to be on the inside if you don’t fit the narrative.

It goes a little something like this: A few days ago, my one-time nemesis Martin Eisenstadt finally stumbled upon the perfect hoax. It went down something like this: Carl Cameron of Fox News told Bill O’Reilly that “anonymous campaign sources” had told him that Sarah Palin didn’t know whether Africa was a country or a continent among other things, including that she once greeted McCain campaign workers while wearing a bathrobe or towel (the horror!) when they met her in her hotel room to talk shop. After a couple of days, Eisenstadt took credit for being that source and all hell promptly broke lose as several mainstream media types - including MSNBC, The New Republic and Andrew Sullivan - reported this as fact.

Of course, it wasn’t. Martin Eisenstadt is a hoax. But you knew that. I shared my research here and at Shakesville, leading to a post on June 10 where I was able to make the connection with Eisenstadt and viral blogger Abrad2345 and culminating with a post that presented video evidence that the “Eisenstadt” character was a put-on.
[Read more]

Two things I learned today

Here are the two things I learned today:

1. Being mentioned by one of the biggest newspapers on the planet is cool.

2. Having one of biggest newspapers on the planet insinuate that you’re a hoax - not so much.

Update: From Jerry Ludwig in comments: “I believe in you! Seriously, I think the tongue in cheek in the Times would only confuse the people who voted for McCain. Oh no!, that’s 46% of the country.”

Well, that’s somewhat better I suppose. However, if this is true, now my Dad believes I’m a hoax.

Update 2: From loyal reader Hugh in comments: “You’re not a hoax if *you* really believe you’re real.”

I believe, brother, I believe.

-WKW

America just isn’t ready for this, dog

Seriously, thanks for the offer Peru, but the U.S. is up to its ears already with change. It just isn’t going to happen.

-WKW

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