Fox News Channel Election Day Live Blog

(Update: Due to a server issue, I was forced to finish these updates at Shakesville here. This post is now complete, with my work live-blogging the entire day on Fox News from (EST) 5:31 a.m. until 11:02 p.m. After Obama was declared the winner, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch those bastards anymore — Bill)

Here in Brazil, my thoughts are with my American brothers and sisters this Election Day. Being I’m not there, I thought I’d do something for my American friends - I will watch Fox News so you don’t have to.

Yes, all day today I will be live-blogging Fox News Channel’s election coverage. I am literally risking my life for all of you, don’t you forget it. Starting with Fox News & Friends, I’ll be here all day, letting you know how things are going at the station that is fair to Republicans and balanced for Conservatives. Pray for me. Or something.

Here we go (times are EST):

(Note: Should my site have technical difficulties - which I believe it won’t - I’ll pick up the thread at Shakesville in this post.

Fox and Friends

5:15 a.m.: Exit polls are biased for Democrats, remember that.

5:17 a.m.: Bob Beckel (D) discusses. “One of the great myths I’ve been hearing is about the great liberal senate. Keep in mind the Blue Dogs. This is not Britain.”

5:26 a.m.: Peter Doocy discusses how all the cool kids are voting. Papa Steve is totally proud.

Joe the Plumber count: 1

5:31 a.m.: If Democrats win a 60-seat majority, it will be a “Dark cloud over Wall Street” says Fox News financial advisor Charles (R), who also mentions that the U.S. pays he highest corporate tax in the world “higher than Cuba.”

Note: A 2005 study showed two-thirds of corporations paid no taxes whatsoever.

5:38 a.m.: Joe the Plumber is a victim. Radio show hosts want him dead, Ohio officials spy on him. Joe the Plumber is suing. They’ll keep you posted how he fares against the Democratic, Anti-Joe machine.

Joe the Plumber count: 3

5:43 a.m.: Coming up - a closer look at Obamanomics.

5:47 a.m.: Ken Blackwell (R) agrees with Steve Doocy - Obamanomics will tax and spend and feed the beast. Blackwell discusses the radio interview Obama did in 2001, saying Obama plans on having Supreme Court Justices that spread the wealth. Rich people are totally screwed.

Joe the Plumber count: 4

5:47 a.m.: Obama started campaign railing against Iraq, but now “he’s basically won.” says Bill Sammons. Russia will be a problem. Except for McCain, because he talks so tough and threatens them.

5:57 a.m.: The mainstream media is in the tank for Obama. That’s a given.

6:00 a.m.: The polls are finally starting to open. Huge lines in Ohio with polls opening in 30 minutes.

6:06 a.m.: Carl Cameron was with McCain all day yesterday and thinks McCain’s internal polls must be fantastic. McCain looks great, has a jump in his step. “I think the age factor is history.”

6:08 a.m.: Media spent twice as much traveling with Obama. Definitive proof that hey are all in the bag for Obama. Katie Couric “eviscerated” Palin “some say.” CBS spend a ton covering Obama, they are total partisan jerks. Even Fox News spent more on Obama, but they have good reasons.

ACORN Count: 3

6:18 a.m.: Rich celebrities don’t care about Obama’s tax plans. Poor people should. Terry Holt (R) and Marc Lamont Hill (D-ish) discuss. More taxes will kill us all. 40 percent of the country will get a $500 giveaway.

(Me: The McCain campaign seems to be missing a fundamental issue by hammering on that “40 percent of Americans are going to receive Obama welfare” meme. The 40 percent probably will be happy getting a tiny bit more of money and may not like having it called welfare. Ya think?)

6:24 a.m.: Hill defends the Obama tax cut. Holt and Gretchen Carlson attack him for that.

6:27 a.m.: Happy Birthday Laura Bush!

6:30 a.m.: Polls open in Ohio, WV, NC.

6:31 a.m.: Carlson makes horrifying sexual innuendos as they talk about the candidates lucky charms. McCain is seriously superstitious. Palin is too religious to have lucky charms.

6:42 a.m.: Voter Fraud!!!

6:46 a.m.: John Fund of WSJ discusses voter fraud in Wisconsin. The number thrown out is 55,000 illegal votes will be cast. The poor will destroy democracy. Email [email protected]. They’ll report anything you say, guaranteed.

6:53 a.m.: Andrew Napolitano discusses voter disenfranchisement. Except no one will use the term “disenfranchisement.”

7:00 a.m.: Many more polls open.

7:06 a.m.: Obama will kill the coal industry! Coal industry officials only heard about Obama’s devious plan on Sunday, even though Obama made these statements 10 months ago. The quote has now morphed from “New, non-clean technology coal plants being built will be bankrupted” to “Obama will bankrupt the entire coal industry.”

(Bill: Shockingly, they totally glossed over the fact that McCain supported the exact same thing.

7:14 a.m.: Ann Coulter is coming. Ann Coulter is coming!!

7:17 a.m.: Coulter: The No. 1 issue in this election - Jeremiah Wright. McCain is a hero for not bringing it up, she says. Beckel tries to get the discussion back into reality. Coulter won’t let him. She says a Democratic majority and Obama Presidency means slavery reparations will go to the top of their agenda.

Joe the Plumber count: 4

7:23 a.m.: Beckel: Do you feel better today than you did eight years ago? Doocy “Obama’s a real liberal, not a reformer.” Coulter quotes Drudge to prove that Obama’s the welfare king. Coulter lays the bank bailout on Democrats.

7:24 a.m.: They are totally fixated on a “Happy Days” episode.

7:31 a.m.: Arkansas polls open.

7:33 a.m.: Jeri Thompson (Fred’s wife) reports voting machine problems in D.C.

7:34 a.m.: Obama campaign Manager David Plouffe shows up. Brian Kilmeade asks if the Obama campaign has stopped yet to pat itself on the back. Plouffe says no. Plouffe is a pro.

7:41 a.m.: Brian Wilson of Fox News talked to people in diners. The national and state polls are wrong.

7:42 a.m.: They have pastries in the Fox News green room. All other green rooms are belong to them.

7:46 a.m.: Ken Blackwell and the gang are back on the 40 percent of Americans will get welfare and that Obama’s a socialist that will kill the country with taxes and nominate Hugo Chavez as a Supreme Court judge.

7:54 a.m.: James T. Harris (R) says that Obama will ruin the economy, and McCain will help the economy for future generations. Carlson says we don’t know what Obama will do with the economy. Harris says we don’t know anything about Obama, not even his grades. Obama is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, covered with an extreme socialist agenda.

8:01 a.m.: More polls open, meaning more chance for voter fraud.

8:03 a.m.: A McCain spokesman said the election may not be decided today. Fox News is parroting this line as if it’s verbal heroin. Carlson points out that polls are always wrong and that they’re stupid and that you’re stupid for listening to them. That said, some polls say this race is really really close.

(Me: Polls aren’t always wrong. They’e usually right.)

8:11 a.m.: Obama will kill the coal industry!!!!! What if someone had noticed this 10-month-old statement a few weeks ago? Damn librul media.

8:12 a.m.: Loretta Lynn watches Fox & Friends. Dozens of angels just died.

8:15 a.m.: Howard Wolfson shows up for the first time to debate taxes with John Fund. Is this the end of Reaganomics???? How could the U.S. survive without that. Remember, 40 percent of Americans will now be on welfare. Fund is concerned about deficits now. “A lot of chickens have come home to roost and that’s why Obama will win.” Fund evokes Carter and says things were worse in 1980.

(Me: Wolfson has been a tremendous surrogate for Obama.)

8:20 a.m.: Biden’s going to vote! Biden’s going to vote!!

8:21 a.m.: Giuliani!!!

8:25 a.m. All other networks are in the tank for Obama. The entire country is in the tank for Obama. Giuliani thinks this thing is pretty close. Al Franken is a mean-spirited person. Giuliani loves John McCain. John McCain is better than all of you. McCain is for real. McCain calls everyone a jerk. Giuliani has had several lucky charms. But none of them were very lucky. He’s a jerk.

McCain, Giuliani wife count: 5

8:33 a.m.: Peter Doocy has a test later today. Papa Steve is proud. Nepotism - an easy way to tell someone is a conservative.

8:34 a.m.: Obama’s going to vote!! Obama’s going to vote!!

(Me: What I’ve learned so far - 40 percent of the U.S. will be on welfare soon; If McCain loses, they will sue everyone and drag this thing on; and for a station that endlessly attacks the whole media for doing nothing but talking about Obama, all they’ve done is talk about Obama. They don’t need to talk about McCain, it seems. After all, we know what he’ll do, we’ve seen it the past 8 years.)

8:38 a.m.: The Obamas are voting RIGHT NOW!!!!! Probably for themselves. They are so in the bag for Obama it’s sickening.

8:41 a.m.: It’s taking the Obamas several minutes to vote. They are totally politicizing this.

8:45 a.m.: Obama carries a lucky “Hindu Monkey God” for luck. Hint, hint. Wink, wink.

8:46 a.m.: Voter Fraud!!!

ACORN Count: 4

8:47 a.m.: Ohio has already unleashed police in riot gear because of possible “civil unrest.” Hint, hint. Wink, wink.

8:50 a.m.: Obamas are still voting. An entire cottage industry has sprung up to examine why it’s taking them so long to vote. Alex Jones is now making a movie to get to the bottom of this 12-minute spectacle.

8:52 a.m.: Kilmeade “A problem for these poll workers is that many of them don’t get paid enough.”

8:53 a.m.: The Obamas finish, now the Bidens are voting. They are just making a total mockery of democracy.

8:57 a.m.: Noted Democrat Lyn Forester de Rothschild is now being interviewed. She’s seen people in Pennsylvania, McCain is going to win. Forester de Rothschild has been talking to Hillary supporters and they’ve unanamimously said “Vote for McCain?? WTF???”

9:00 p.m.: Fox and Friends is over. Thank the FSM. They are truly moronic people.

America’s Newsroom

9:01 a.m.: Voter Fraud!!! GOP poll watchers being bullied in Philadelphia!!!! They’re victims! Victims I tell you!!! Democrat poll watchers are being treated the same, but the GOP is being Intimidated!!!

9:04 a.m. John McCain watched “In Cold Blood” on an election day once. Megyn Kelly: “I don’t like torture movies.”

9:05 a.m.: The first McCain lawsuits are filed in Virginia.

9:12 a.m.: Bill and Hillary Clinton are voting!!!! Megyn Kelly: “I wonder who they’re voting for?”

9:13 a.m.: Noted non-partisan John Bolton is talking about VOTER FRAUD!!! Things are worse now than they were in 2000 because too many people are registered. “If it’s close, it may not be decided tonight.” There’s kind of a “reverse intimidation” going on. I don’t know what that means, but Bolton is into it. He’s one step away from saying that all black people and Mexicans must be disenfranchised so democracy can survive. Bolton: If you have a problem voting, you’re an idiot. The GOP is now worried about those in the military being able to vote.

(Me: Megyn Kelly is a lawyer??)

9:25 a.m.: Fox News still pushing the “Irate Hillary Supporters” meme. Clinton has been another star surrogate for Obama.

Random Commentary: John Bolton is a prick. A complete and total prick.

9:30 a.m.: No one could have anticipated that there would be problems with voting machines in Florida. Already lots of problems there.

9:35 a.m.: William Ayers is voting!!! William Ayers is voting!!!

William Ayers Count: 1

9:36 a.m.: Republican pollster Frank Lutz listened to five people say five different things. He crunched the numbers and his research has shown - OBAMA WILL RAISE TAXES!!!!!!

9:40 a.m.: Non-election news: The Feds are now looking to rescue all U.S. big businesses and spend and $1 trillion on it and likely more. Coming up next: How Obama and the Democrats are socialists giving welfare to the bottom 40 percent of the nation.

9:47 a.m.: No one could have anticipated that there would be reports of voting machine problems everywhere.

9:50 a.m.: Despite the fact that their own reporter told them that Democrat poll watchers were being treated exactly the same, Fox News is running with the “GOP Poll Watchers not being allowed in by evil Dems” meme.

Random Commentary: Brazil is a pretty screwed up country. Just last week, police in Sao Paulo got into a war against police in Sao Paulo. Voting is mandatory, however. Everyone gets the day off to vote, and the results are in the next morning. It is one of two times a year that Brazil transforms into Sweden. The other being Carnivale. In the U.S., voting’s a complete mess. For the best democracy ever, the U.S. is the worst democracy ever.

10:02 a.m.: Fox News has found the smallest hamlet in all of Florida and are quizzing the guy running the polling booth at the Little League field. Everything seems fine there.

10:04 a.m.: Mystery solved! Obama took 15 minutes to vote because Illinois has way too many things to vote on!

10:06 a.m.: What would an Obama Presidency look like this week! Claire McCaskill desrves a medal for how many times she’s appeared on Fox. She says he’ll be a uniter, not a divider if he’s elected or not.

10:08 a.m.: What would a McCain Presidency look like this week! Sen. Richard Burr says McCain will immediately fight terrorism. Megyn Kelly: If McCain wins, how will he handle the fact that Democrats will try and sabotage him? What if McCain loses? Burr: He’ll get a lot of rest. Burr: All polls are now going to McCain.

10:17 a.m.: Interview with Mayor of Hammond, Ind. Will Indiana have an improved voting system this election? The Mayor doesn’t know, his city hasn’t had any problems.

10:26 a.m.: Free body piercings and beer for voters in Missouri! Megyn Kelly: “How does the beer work?”

10:28 a.m.: Sarah Palin will be voting Wasilla in 30 minutes! Fox News will be there!

10:32 a.m.: Still talking about how the GOP is being intimidated by being forced to go by the same rules the Democrats are as far as poll watching in Philadelphia. On a lesser note: Voting machines in Pa. are all messed up, and some polls don’t have regular ballots available. But Fox News can’t verify that, so don’t sweat it.

10:35 a.m.: Chuck Schumer becomes the first person in four hours to equate: massive voter turnout = good news for Democrats. Bill Hammonds: “Why does Obama want to take away secret ballots and destroy unions? Schumer: 6% of the country is in a union. Hammond is attacking the big issues: Now up, the Fairness Doctrine. Schumer won’t give a clear answer and Hammond is clearly afraid he’ll soon be out of a job or an ideology.

10:39 a.m.: Who would have thought there would be problems with voting machines in Virginia?

10:45 a.m. Military members from Virginia are being disenfranchised! I bet McCain wishes he had treated veterans and those in the military better. Kelly “We need to find the names of those who mailed out the absentee ballots out late.”

William Ayers Count: 4

10:54 a.m.: Bill Hammond: “How will not having Republican poll watchers affect voters?” Pedro A. Cortés, Secretary of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania: “It won’t affect voters.”

10:55 a.m.: Sarah Palin is in Wasilla!! She’s going to vote soon!! She bought the secret service with her coffee!!! She’s sending a receipt to the RNC for $475,000!!!

10:58 a.m.: It’s been 28 years since a Bush or a Clinton hasn’t been on the ticket for President or Vice-President. In roughly 28 hours, the last Palin will appear as a nominee.

Happening Now

11:00 a.m.: Great news for Palin, she returns to Alaska without fear of being arrested on ethics charges. It’s a big day for her, and for Alaska politicians in general.

11:02 a.m.: Sarah Palin has been running the state of Alaska all the while she has been running for vice-president! Except she hasn’t! The Anchorage Daily News endorsed Obama, but the Wasilla newspaper endorsed McCain and Palin. So she’s got that going for her.

11:05 a.m.: Breaking News: It’s cold in Alaska!

11:09 a.m.: Sarah Palin helped the Wasilla Warriors win the basketball championship in 1984!!!

11:12 a.m.: Breaking News II: It’s Cold in Alaska but Palin can deal with it!

11:13 a.m.: John McCain is voting!!!

11:17 a.m.: Breaking News III: It’s warmer in Arizona than it is in Alaska!!

11:18 a.m.: Sarah Palin is talking to the press!!! Will they take away her First Amendment rights?

11:19 a.m.: Palin won’t say who she voted for, and that’s why America’s great.

11:20 a.m.: Ok, now it makes sense why they don’t let her talk to the press.

11:21 a.m.: Palin: “Local government is the hardest type of government there is.”

11:22 a.m.: Palin: “(running for VP has) strengthened her faith in the American people.” O.M.G. : Until a couple months ago, Sarah Palin had no faith in the American people. At least that’s how I read it.

William Ayers Count: 6

11:28 a.m.: Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour thinks people are offended because Obama’s winning and the media reports it. Barbour hates the media. “It’s the longest wet kiss in American history,” says Barbour of the media’s love for Obama. Question: “If the economy didn’t collapse, wouldn’t McCain be winning?”

Random Prediction: By the end of the day, Sean Hannity will be blaming the media for the economic collapse.

11:38 a.m.: Bill Sammon: If McCain can win every single state he’s currently trailing in, we could see an Obama-Palin White House.

11:40 a.m.: Now Fox News’ Florida reporter has found a retirement community polling station. They drive golf carts to vote because “they’ve earned it.” Thus, if you are older and can’t take a golf cart to vote, it’s because you’re a failure.

11:42 a.m.: Howard Wolfson is back on. “The Internet has changed politics as we know it.”

11:49 a.m.: Coming up next: The youth vote - sure lots have registered, but young people are idiots and won’t vote so who cares?

11:53 a.m.: The Dow Jones is up 303 points. Blame Obama.

11:55 a.m.: Will the young voters show up? If they do, says young Republican, they have a choice - vote for the 72-year-old that’s been a senator for longer than you’ve been alive and can’t use the Internet, or vote for Obama who will raise taxes on you if you ever make any money.

12:00 p.m.: Britt Hume!!!

12:01 p.m.: VOTER FRAUD!!!

12:02 p.m.: Hume: “If it’s a close race, people will be very interested in recounts and investigations.” Britt Hume - a man who slept through the 2000 and 2004 elections.

12:03 p.m.: Britt Hume is concerned about the ramifications of calling an election too early. Seriously.

12:06 p.m.: Black Panthers in Pennsylvania!!! They are intimidating white voters says one white guy! One Black Panther with a nightstick said “The black guy will win no matter what!”

12:10 p.m.: Trouble with power outages in Los Angeles. Obama’s margin of victory could be cut to just 20 points.

12:15 p.m.: Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and others are giving away free stuff if you vote. Obviously they are preparing for the new socialist regime.

12:19 p.m.: Long lines disappearing around the nation. Reasons: Early voting. And some people may be having lunch.

Bill’s Random Poll: Will the presence of two Black Panthers in Philadelphia at a polling spot cause the election to be canceled and martial law to be declared?

1. Yes

2. No

3. I’ll wait for Bill O’Reilly’s opinion on it.

12:34 p.m.: The candidates have raised and will spend $1 billion by the time it’s over. To put that into perspective, that’s 700 times less than we’re giving banks and financial institutions.

12:36 p.m.: By being too successful as a fundraiser, public financing for elections has been destroyed forever, says Michael Steele.

12:27 p.m.: By not taking public financing, Obama is a hypocrite and not an honest, ethical politician like Republicans, says Steele.

12:28 p.m.: Beckel & Steele: When this election is over, the nation will lapse into a great sadness.

12:37 p.m.: Breaking: A black guy in Cincinnati is hopeful about Obama. Says the reporter interviewing him: “It’s calm here.”

12:44 p.m.: Minn. Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D) playing her surrogate role well.

12:53 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!

12:54 p.m.: Roving band of voter-fraud cops not allowed to roam polling stations in Milwaukee. John Fund of the WSJ wants to know why.

Joe the Plumber Count: 5

12:58 p.m.: In N.C., Shawn the Plumber says he shouldn’t have to spread his wealth. He doesn’t really understand Obama’s economicplans, but he knows he’s against it.

Joe the Plumber Count: 6

The Live Desk

1:00 p.m.: Trace Gallagher and Martha MacCallum are on now. The real craziness is just beginning.

1:02 p.m.: Carl Cameron: Since Joe the Plumber, McCain has caught up and the polls are tied.

Joe the Plumber Count: 8

Random Physical Condition Update: I’d like to thank all concerned about my mental and physical condition. As per request in comments, here is a picture of myself showing my current condition:

1:09 p.m.: Bill Sammons: “There is a statistical bias for Democrats in exit polls.” The reasoning: Republicans are assholes who can’t be bothered.

1:10 p.m.: “What would you like the new President to tackle first” Send your answers to: [email protected] - My answer - Karl Rove. Pile-drive him.

ACORN Count: 7

1:17 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!! Ohio caught one illegal vote in early voting.

1:18 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!

1:19 p.m. Wait until you hear what Bill and Hillary said today!!

1:23 p.m.: McCain campaign lawsuit No. 2. This one in New Hampshire. Why won’t people let Repug thugs stare down voters at polling stations, anyway??

1:25 p.m.: Juan Williams “blah, blah, blah. Moderate. blah, blah, blah.”

Random Opinion: Juan Williams is the worst Democratic spokesperson evah!

1:27 p.m.: Angela McGlowan sees it as an easy win for McCain.

1:28 p.m.: What was it that Bill and Hillary Clinton had to say? They talked about themselves and how they supported Obama (because they were asked about themselves, but that’s neither here nor there).

1:30 p.m.: Juan Williams says Hillary Clinton will be “hectoring” Obama to move further to the left.

1:31 p.m.: Juan Williams: What you’ll eventually see in Congress is radical rightists versus radical leftists with Hillary Clinton leading the crazed liberal side.

1:35 p.m.: Coming soon - a John McCain stump speech.

1:36 p.m.: Obama will be playing basketball soon. Aside from raising your taxes, Obama plays basketball. And he knows Bill Ayers.

1:45 p.m.: No one could have predicted there’d be problems with voting in St. Louis.

1:47 p.m.: Black Panthers!!

1:52 p.m.: Turns out at least one of the Black Panthers was a hippie-looking white dude wearing black clothes. Black Panthers!!

2:00 p.m.: In the Fox News Key Senate Races box, they have “Comedian Al Franken (DFL) vs. Sen. Norm Coleman (R).”

Question: Anyone know what DFL means? (Answer: Democratic-Farmer-Labor. Thanks Helen)

2:01 p.m.: Britt Hume is reminiscing about Barack Obama. Fox News is totally in the bag for Obama.

2:04 p.m.: Hume just compared McCain’s optimism with Walter Mondale’s late optimism. Ouch.

2:06 p.m.: Bill Kristol!!!

2:07 p.m.: Kristol says it’s not out of the question that Obama could win the overall vote and McCain could win the electorate. This means Obama is guaranteed to win, as Kristol has never been right on any subject ever.

2:09 p.m.: Gallagher: “The polls have been all over the place.” Which, of course, they haven’t.

2:13 p.m.: Black Panthers!!!

2:15 p.m.: “We don’t have any information that there was any voter intimidation going on,” says Rick Leventhal. Except for the GOP poll watcher. Levanthal interviews the Black Panther - who is a poll watcher - who doesn’t like the camera in his face.

2:18 p.m.: Black Poll Watcher!!

Random Comment: 150 million people may vote today. The first black Presidential candidate with an overwhelming shot at winning. A fundamental change in the direction of the nation. Two Black Panther at one polling place in Philadelphia. Anyone want to guess what Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity will be talking about?

2:27 p.m.: Michael Steele still sees this election as one that’s very winnable for McCain.

2:33 p.m.: John McCain about to give a stump speech!! Joe Lieberman is with him.

Random Question: Did Al Gore really pick Lieberman as his running mate? Did that really happen? And why?

2:34 p.m.: Time to look back at the campaign and remember: Joe Klein tells a story about Obama organizer Nate Hunt and how surrogates like him made the Obama Campaign. Chris Cillizza remembers Obama’s inspirational speech at the Jefferson Jackson Dinner in Iowa in 2007. Michale Steele “It’s always all about Hillary.” Steele remembers Clinton’s Bosnia tall tale as a memorable moment.

2:37 p.m.: McCain’s speaking!! Good thing, no one on Fox News is speaking about her.

2:38 p.m.: McCain tells a story about his mother being in France and wanting to get driven around, but couldn’t find anyone. So she bought a car and drove herself. I don’t think he gets it at all.

2:39 p.m.: McCain talks about Todd Palin’s snowmobiling experiences. “I think he’s ready for Washington and so is she.”

2:40 p.m.: McCain: “The Mac is Back!!” Yes, to the Senate.

2:42 p.m.: McCain will protect people’s homes. McCain will protect Social Security, protect medicare, invest in energy. All that with a spending freeze. Impressive.

2:45 p.m.: DRILL BABY DRILL!!! Wow, I can’t believe that’s become a rallying cry. And that McCain was opposed to it about three months ago until oil companies like Hess loaded up his coffers.

2:48 p.m.: Here comes the yelling part.

Random opinion: You have to admit, for a guy who has looked at times like he was dragging ass, McCain has had a scorching schedule the last couple days.

2:53 p.m.: Obama doesn’t want P Diddy and Susan Sarandon at his victory rally!! Not even Ben Affleck!

3:02 p.m.: Major Garrett, Chris Wallace, Shepherd Smith, Carl Cameron, all together!

3:05 p.m.: I wonder if Carl Cameron’s wife is working for McCain like she worked for Bush?

3:07 p.m.: Exit polling, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again, now!

3:09 p.m.: Fox News takes a moral stand - they won’t discuss exit polls “Because we shouldn’t,” says Shep.

3:10 p.m.: Shep asks if Carl Cameron feels like a candidate. You know he does.

3:12 p.m.: Fox News loves talking about how the people at Fox News feel. It’s like O’reillyism has infected the whole point. How do they feel? Like proud and amazing Americans, that’s how.

3:12 p.m.: Nate Silver from FiveThirtyEight.com is on. He still has it as an Obama landslide.

3:17 p.m.: Silver has Obama with 349 electoral votes.

Random Observation: It’s pretty hard to come up with anything witty to say about Silver. Now I know why comics don’t base careers on accountant jokes.

3:25 p.m.: “It feels like they’re making it up as they go along,” says Wallace about the massive and continued bailout big money spending bonanza. Luckily McCain suspended his campaign to take a leadership role on that one. But as President he’ll rein in spending. You betcha.

Random Trivia: What do you call glamour camping? “Glamping” of course. I just learned that on a Fox News Extra. Glamping. Say it. It’s fun. Glamping.

3:29 p.m.: The best ads from McCain and Obama? Frank Luntz will tell you. Damn I wish Luntz would go glamping.

3:30 p.m.: Obama’s best ad - the Super Bowl ad that just ran once. It was like a Coke commercial with Obama.

3:31 p.m.: Shepherd Smith just called all young voters a bunch of narcissistic whiners.

3:33 p.m.: McCain’s best ad - one on energy. It was like an Exxon commercial.

3:34 p.m.: Luntz said the “Celebrity ad” tested very well. Did it really help McCain? That would be so sad if it did.

3:36 p.m.: Shep isn’t falling for Ted Stevens’ “I can appeal, thus I wasn’t convicted even though I was convicted,” line. And Stevens still might win.

3:39 p.m.: Breaking news: It’s cold in Alaska!!

3:43 p.m.: I kinda like Shepherd Smith, but he has waaaay too many legitimate guests come on, discussing actual issues relating to the electoral race. They need to drop Charles Krauthammer and Glenn Beck on his desk and watch the madness fly.

3:46 p.m.: Black Panthers!! (Hell, Shep is even ruining this by asking “Is it much ado about nothing?” It’s Black Panthers, Shep!! Black Panthers!! Two of them!! At one polling station. Shep has totally lost the plot.)

3:49 p.m.: Rick Leventhal totally got screwed on this deal. He’s still at that polling place looking for Black Panthers. To the video of Leventahal shoving a microphone in the guy’s face. This is just not working out the way Fox News had hoped. “Maybe that one guy was going rogue,” says Smith about the alleged Black Panther who had a club.

3:55 p.m.: Andrew Napolitano is back. He feels like the legal community is over prepared and overcompensating for problems in the last couple elections. This election is going way too well and making it dull for them. Maybe next time they’ll under compensate.

3:58 p.m.: Obama’s playing basketball!!! Obama’s playing basketball!!

3:59 p.m.: My Steelers stomped the Redskins last night. Because of this, Obama will win. It has been preordained. Can’t argue it.

4:00 p.m.: Black Panthers!!!

4:01 p.m.: The McCain campaign is supposedly addressing the nightmare Black Panther issue that threatens American democracy.

4:02 p.m.: Rick Leventhal is still at that polling station. To the video again!

4:03 p.m.: Karl Rove giving his thoughts on Black Panthers!!

4:04 p.m.: Black Panthers!! Voter Fraud!! Karl Rove puts it all together. If he can get Joe the Plumber and Bill Ayers into this, he gets a bonus.

4:06 p.m.: Still showing video of Black Panthers!! Neil Cavuto gets it.

4:08 p.m.: Back to taxes. Bill Richardson has to grovel at Cavuto’s feet because he mispoke about Obama’s tax plan.

4:10 p.m.: Cavuto: “Is Barack Obama lying about his tax cut plan?”

Random Video: Black Panthers!!

HT: JDC and Wonkette

Joe the Plumber Count: 9

4:14 p.m.: Don Imus!!!

4:16 p.m.: Macaca!!!!!

4:17 p.m.: George Allen, one macaca away from having his name on the ballot today, is hurling talking points up fast and furious.

4:23 p.m.: Don Imus fears Barack Obama!

4:24 p.m.: Don Imus breaks out the knowledge - Bill Richardson finally shaved his beard. Frank Luntz looks like a loser. Will Bill Kristol and Britt Hume wear the same clothes all day? Back to Obama finally.

4:26 p.m.: Imus still won’t talk about Obama. Now he’s going off on Limbuagh and Sean Hannity. Turns out, he isn’t afraid of Obama. Imus is now praising Obama as someone who will give people hope. “I’m not going to be unhappy if Obama is elected.” Imus is totally going rogue. He’ll never be back on Fox News. Imus is now comparing himself to Jeremiah Wright. Also, he has a ranch for kids with cancer. Cavuto is trying his best to get something usable about McCain now form Imus. Imus on McCain: “When you make a deal with the devil, you better win.”

Random Opinion: Imus is still a prick.

Random Video: Bill Ayers!!

4:35 p.m.: Michelle Malkin!! The crazy is back!!

This when my site crashed. I continued updating it at Shakesville here. I am not adding those updates to this thread).

Update: My site has gone down momentarily, so I’ll be updating here until it’s back up:

4:36 p.m.: Malkin goes off on “Peggy the Moocher.” Malkin is angry!

4:37 p.m.: Black Panthers!!

4:38 p.m.: There have been threats of race riots in Philadelphia! After the Phillies won there was violence! The Black Panthers are worrisome and Scary!! Malkin will always have a place on Fox News.

4:44 p.m.: Lyn Forester de Rothschild is back! She supported Hillary Clinton, now she’s a big McCain backer. Obama will be beholden to Moveon.org, says she.

4:47 p.m.: Rothschild is afraid of Obama. That’s what her position is. That’s what she’s basing her vote on.

4:51 p.m. Rudy Giuliani’s back. He says McCain can win because Yogi Berra used to make colorful quotes. All McCain has to do is win all the states he’s losing and voila, President McCain. Cavuto just said Giuliani was a great candidate. I got three less delegates than Giuliani, and I spent nothing on my campaign. McCain is running the greatest campaign ever compared to what Giuliani did.

4:54 p.m.: Giuliani said the President needs to start slashing programs. He’s totally cool with the $700 billion bail out, even now, when it’s looking more and more like it was the Brinks Job. Giuliani revises the recent past - McCain pushed the $700 billion bailout, while Obama did nothing.

4:57 p.m.: Ron Silver just called the election for “Barama.”

4:59 p.m.: Silver is terrified of terrorists.

5:00 p.m.: The exit polls are here!!! The Exit Polls are here!!!

5:14 p.m.: Rick Santorum’s here! Everything favors Obama, but McCain could still win Pennsylvania. Santorum makes me feel greasy and bad about myself. I can’t think of a politician that makes me feel more disgusted in my race - the human race. He just called McCain a “moderate.”

5:18 p.m.: Santorum: Murtha’s too old and has a young, hungry opponent.

5:23 p.m.: Lots of votes coming in from overseas. They don’t know who it benefits, McCain or Obama. Let me give a hint: OBAMA. All a McCain supporter needs to do is leave the country for five minutes and clarity will quickly come to you.

5:30 p.m.: And now, the pain is coming for Fox Newsters. The first exit polls. Obama is up by about a million percent with New Voters. In Indiana (Liss, do you see this) It’s 73% to 27% in Indiana. McCain does not have too big an advantage with white males. In Indiana, it’s 54% to 44%.

5:32 p.m.: Late voters are going for Obama in Indiana and Ohio. In Virginia, it’s going to McCain. We’ve been hearing about these “undecideds” for months now, and Obama’s doing very well. Michael Steele is playing it cool. No matter what the percentage or the demographic, he’s making it known how good it is for McCain.

5:50 p.m.: “This was supposed to be there day … I mean her day,” says Bill Hammond about Hillary Clinton.

5:37 p.m.: Laura Ingraham is coming!!

Random Thought: Joe the Plumber is hardly getting any play today. I wonder if McCain will get some Black Panthers to campaign for him. They have a huge Q-rating among conservatives today.

5:41 p.m.: Remember, these exit polls are completely worthless unless they favor McCain. Then, they are deadly accurate.

Joe the Plumber Count: 10

Random Observation: I never knew how important the coal industry was to Republicans. Only heard McCain talking about clean coal for months, now that’s all they care about.

5:45 p.m.: This election has nothing to do with Conservatism, says Ingraham. Sarah Palin is the future of the Republican Party. Please let that be so. Please. Ingraham is talking about Palin’s vision. I believe that vision is the apocalypse, figuratively and literally.

Joe the Plumber Count: 11

Random Observation: If they could just find some Black Panthers that are coal miners or plumbers, Fox News would supernova.

5:52 p.m.: “What are the Clinton’s thinking tonight?” Hammond asks Howard Wolfson. Wolfson is just an all-star surrogate for Clinton and for Obama. Hammond is just baiting him and being snarky about her and Wolfson is too much of a pro to let him get away with it. Like Clinton, Wolfson has shined since the Convention as an Obama backer.

5:54 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!

5:58 p.m.: Voter Fraud in Ohio! Too many provisional ballots. McCain has already sued Virginia and New Hampshire, expect Ohio to be next.

ACORN Count: 13

6:00 p.m.: Britt Hume takes over with his all-star panel of former Bush employees, neocons and outright fascists.

6:02 p.m.: Holy crap. 91% of people think Obama will bring change. 8% thing McCain will.

6:04 p.m.: Fox is dedicated not to call this early - for Obama.

6:06 p.m.: I’m starting to wonder if the McCain campaign “accidentally” left Sarah Palin in Alaska. Maybe she had some “health” issues.

6:07 p.m.: McCain campaign manager Carl Cameron knows things are tough, but he still believes his candidate can win this thing.

Joe the Plumber Count: 13

6:10 p.m.: Ok, McCain came back against Romney, Thompson, Giuliani and Huckabee. That just doesn’t make him the “greatest comeback politician in history.”

6:11 p.m.: More Karl Rove to come. He’s found a way that McCain can still win this thing if he can just win Iceland and Costa Rica.

6:15 p.m.: Exit poll number: 38% of voters think Palin is qualified to be President. Take that with a grain of salt, tho. After all, 24% of people approve of George W. Bush’s Presidency.

6:18 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!

6:20 p.m.: No one could have predicted there would be problems with voting machines in Ohio.

6:23 p.m.: We now enter the: Balance of Power Studio!!!!!!!!

6:25 p.m.: Prop 8 alert: $73 million spent on a Proposition to take away the rights of Americans. Nossa.

6:31 p.m.: What’s the first thing President Obama must do when he takes office: Outlaw these stupid, super fancy computer map dealies. I’m about to have a seizure watching this thing. If you don’t use it to make Michigan bounce, I don’t want to see it.

6:35 p.m.: Black Panthers!!!

Server update: Looks like my server will be down for another hour, I’m told. Current mood:

6:40 p.m.: Nothing better than watching five white conservatives sit around and reminisce about how wrong they were about everything leading up to election day.

6:41 p.m.: Britt Hume: Is it possible the surge worked too well?

6:42 p.m.: George W. Bush kept us safe. He was too successful in the War on Terror. McCain is being punished for the U.S. not being attacked, says Kristol.

6:44 p.m.: The financial crisis screwed McCain, as well. Basically: If the U.S. could have suffered a terrorist attack or two and the economy would have stayed good, McCain would be President.

6:50 p.m.: Possible Republican nominees in 2012: Palin, Huckabee, Romney, Bobby Jindal, Jeb Bush.

6:52 p.m.: Kondrake: Republicans can come back in four years. All they have to do is fight the Democrats on everything and make sure that things get even worse in the U.S. under Democratic rule. They can do that no problem and they’ll be back on top in no time.

Deep thought: Remember when Bush was going to cancel this election and declare martial law? Good times, good times.

Random Observation: Right now, the only black person involved in Fox News on-air coverage is Barack Obama.

7:00 p.m.: They have a musical theme for when the polls close.

7:01 p.m.: Megyn kelly looking at Exit poll numbers on The Launch Pad!!!!

7:03 p.m.: Bad news for McCain - he’s struggling to win the vital “Uneducated white guy” demographic.

7:05 p.m.: Hume: Remember, we’re spending most our time talking about exit polls, but they are completely and utterly useless.

7:06: Major Garrett: When Barack Obama plans an outdoor event, he gets great weather. Make of that what you will.

7:08 p.m.: Britt Hume is very impressed with the electoral board. It’s quite big, after all.

7:10 p.m.: Virginia will have two Democratic Senators for the first time in 38 years.

7:12 p.m.: Juan Williams analysis: Wow, a lot of people are voting. Worst. Liberal.Pundit.Ever.

7:14 p.m.: Fred Barnes: “I’m proud of the people who voted today, rather than the wimps who voted early.” Yes, he said wimps. Yes, he voted early himself.

Random Observation: I’d say 99% of those that voted early for non-absentee reasons were partisan who would never have changed their vote anyway. The collapse of the Republican party is starting to affect the Fox News conservatives.

7:21 p.m.: Karl Rove firmly believes that George Bush’s policies will be upheld regardless who wins.

7:24 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!

ACORN Count: 15

7:30 p.m.: West Virginia is called for McCain! We Are Marshall!

7:32 p.m.: In a righteous world, Mitch McConnell and Elizabeth Dole lose.

7:34 p.m. Britt Hume: The Republicans need McConnell’s skills at keeping the Congress’s approval ratings in single digits.

7:45 p.m.: Florida is going smoothly. Give them time, they could screw it up yet.

ACORN Count: 16

7:48 p.m.: Even Bill Kristol thinks Fred Barnes is sort of a jerk. When Bill Kristol looks down on you … geez, I need a new adjective for how bad that is. Barnes is a Glamper. It’s that simple.

7:51 p.m.: Fred Barnes is losing it. Totally spinning out. It’s glorious to see this glamper implode.

8:02 p.m.: Britt Hume is totally blown away by technology and loves how Bill Hemmer uses the “machine.” It’s easy for Hemmer, being he is a machine.

8:10 p.m.: KAY. HAGAN. WINS.

8:11 p.m.: Fox says Mitch McConnell will win. Fred Barnes is thrilled, it will be filibuster city.

8:13 p.m.: NH called for Obama. Kristol “This is going to be a bad night for Republicans.”

Random Anticipation: Sean Hannity hasn’t even shown up yet and the bottom is falling out for McCain and the GOP. I’m looking forward to seeing Hannity rip apart the American public for voting against his radical ideology. Oh wonderful schadenfreude.

8:21 p.m.: Sarah Palin is back in the Lower 48! For a few more hours at least.

8:26 p.m.: Jeanne Shaheen is going to beat John Sununu.

Random Prediction: Fred Barnes will commit an act of physical violence on Juan Williams and/or Bill Kristol before the night is over. You can actually hear him snapping as he’s off screen.

8:30 p.m.: They call Pennsylvania for Obama. A big thank you to my family in Pittsburgh that voted for him en masse.

8:32 p.m.: Lot’s of going through and crunching of numbers now. Awaiting a Fred Barnes or Bill Kristol freak out.

8:38 p.m.: They keep saying that Obama is “Blessed” when it comes to getting good weather. Finally, Fox News is coming aboard.

8:42 p.m.: Chris Wallace perks up big time! It looks like Democrats won’t get 60 seats! They can filibuster! They can filibuster!

8:46 p.m.: Britt Hume: “You call that thing a board, right? There’s no wood in there.” It’s like Hume just emerged from a 20-year slumber. Technology is blowing his mind.

8:50 p.m.: Voter Fraud!!!

8:51 p.m.: Massive voter fraud just isn’t falling the Republicans way today.

8:54 p.m.: Michael Barrone doesn’t want to “Risk the nonpartisan image of the election desk” by relying on exit polls.

8:56 p.m.: It’s dawning on them - Britt Hume: “Is it possible we’re a center-left country?”

Random Quote from my Brazilian wife: “You guys don’t even know what ‘left’ is.”

8:58 p.m.: “Now to Bill Hemmer and his magic map.”

Random thought: I’m starting to find Britt Hume sort of adorable.

9:07 p.m.: Tim Johnson is all the way back, I’d say. He’s going to win his third term.

9:08 p.m.: Conspiracy: according to Fox News, Tom Udall and Tim Johnson are the same person.

9:10 p.m.: Chris Wallace and Britt Hume are flirting. I kid you not. Wallace to Hume “Why don’t you come over here, big boy.” Wallace and Hume are the only ones enjoying themselves.

9:17 p.m.: Britt Hume is just killing me with how much he’s tripping on technology. Speaking as someone who has tripped on technology before, let me make a guess: Britt Hume is baked out of his mind.

9:18: Fox just called Ohio for Obama.

Random Commentary:

Barack Obama is the Next President of the United States of America!

Wow. Just wow. This is amazing. Satisfying and inspiring. My country voted in a black President. And more than that, they elected a very competent man. Wow. Bravo, America.

9:22 p.m.: Michael Barone looks like he may cry. He is deflated.

9:23 p.m.: What was best about Fox calling Ohio for Obama is that Karl Rove was just sketching out how McCain could still win. Hume cut him off mid-prayer.

9:27 p.m.: Carl Cameron is looking crushed. Just crushed. Nicolle Wallace, a McCain spokesperson, is not very optimistic. “Governor Palin is a home run for our party,” said Wallace. “She’s a once-in-a-generation politician.” Luckily, it hasn’t been a very long generation.

9:33 p.m.: Fred Barnes cannot bring himself to admit that the country is not Conservative. Basically, the attacks on the American people begin now. Here’s a hint, Fred: America wants the liberal agenda to be passed through.

9:37 p.m.: After spening two years demonizing Obama, Hume said “Despite his associations and how he was viewed as a serious liberal, it’s fair to say that the real Obama is more moderate.”

Random thought: It’s interesting watching these Fox analysts. Hume, the anchor, is totally beltway and will believe anything David Broder thinks. He’s not freaked out about Obama as President, because being a centrist is what it’s all about. Ditto Juan Williams. Bill Kristol doesn’t have any beliefs outside of war, so he could really care less provided there’s some killing soon, and history tells him both Republicans and Democrats can be manuevered into attacking by the military industrial complex. Fred Barnes, though, he’s a right-wing ideologue. Guys like him and Hannity will be viciously attacking Obama non-stop for four years. Non-stop, regardless what he does.

9:54 p.m.: Karl Rove brought everyone cookies. “They look like baccarat chips,” says Hume. Damn I’d love some of what he’s smoking.

10:05 p.m.: Carl Cameron is reeling off the excuses for why McCain’s getting blown out. A big one missing - McCain ran a horrifyingly bad campaign.

Random observation: Three words you won’t hear on Fox News: Permanent Republican Majority.

10:11 a.m.: Exit polls are meaningless. Nonetheless, let’s spend 75 percent of our broadcast discussing exit polls. Fox’s coverage - and I can say this now with some insight - is miserable. Just miserable. This is terrible and dull watch. Plus, there’s something beeping non-stop that I believe is hypnotizing me. Or triggering my hidden sleeper cell psyche and I’m about to go try and overthrow Hugo Chavez. Regardless, Fox News has a terrible, terrible ans stupid set up, and the fact that Republicans are getting trounced means that no one has any energy at all, except Hume, and he retired an hour and a half ago and is just enjoying the ride.

10:17 p.m.: Kristol pushed Palin and can’t admit that she hurt McCain. In fact, he’s saying she helped him. Kristol broke it, but he won’t buy it.

10:19 p.m.: Kristol is holding tight to exit polls to support his pick of Palin as McCain’s running mate (Without Kristol, McCain maybe picks Tom Ridge and does a lot better than he’ll end up doing.)

10:21 p.m.: Dear Chris Shays, Time to start working on your resume.

10:34 p.m.: Michael Barone has all but called Florida for Obama.

10:36 p.m.: Just went to a shot of a smiling and victorious Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. The pain and anger and fear that is going through 89 percent of Fox News viewers is just delicious. I’m feeding off of it. I could go for hours more now. I might even start being funny again at some point.

10:41 p.m.: Virginia called for Obama.

10:42 p.m.: Karl Rove: “We are a center-right country.”

10:44 p.m.: It’s a Fox News Mandate: Barack Obama and the Democrats will be successful provided they govern like Republicans.

Random Thought: Obama is going to shatter the 300 electoral vote mark. Democrats dominate Senate and House races, but America is all about conservatism. Modern Conservatism has been utterly debunked as a sham. It has become a socialist-for-the-rich pyramid scheme based on trickery and hate for the common citizen. Obama has led the Democrats to a mandate, pure and simple. It’s time to reclaim the word “liberal” once and for all.

10:57 p.m.: In one minute, the polls close on the West Coast and they can call this thing for Barack Obama once and for all …

11:00 p.m.: Britt Hume “Barack Obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America.”

11:02 p.m.: Juan Williams is choking up. He is speaking very eloquently and from his heart about how amazing it is that an African-American is President.

A Final Thought: I had thought about waiting to see about having fun with Hannity and the rest, but listening to Barnes gripe is just not what I want to hear now. And, well, I’m kinda tired. So I’m done. I’ll crosspost all of this on my blog tomorrow so it’s all together in one epic blog post.

Now I just want to sit back for a little bit and enjoy this. I think we all played a part in this happening in our own little ways. There’s a lot of work yet to do, of course, but tonight is for happiness and victory and hope.

So thanks for all your kind words on my little experiment here, and thank you all for being my friends and allies. Barack Obama is the 44th President. That’s what matters. Let’s savor this and savor the possibilities that the election of an intelligent, charismatic and historic man. Barack and Michelle will represent our nation with class and heart.

This has been an amazing ride. Let’s enjoy the destination for now, and then be ready to start our next journey.

Bill