These people don’t think raping a child is a crime

A partial list of international celebrities that don’t believe raping a child should have consequences:

Roman Polanski

Woody Allen

Harrison Ford

Martin Scorcese

Tilda Swinton

Anne Applebaum

David Lynch

Harvey Weinstein

Pedro Almodovar

Wes Anderson

Jonathan Demme

and many, many more.

Again, please feel free to never forget that the above people are pro-child rape. All of them proudly support the drugging and rape of a 13-year-old girl. Remember that when you have to decide whether or not to support their latest project.

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum is a great blogger, thus, Laws should not apply to him

My friends, it has come to my notice that I’m a fantastic blogger. Seriously, borderline brilliant. My blog posts have brought joy and comfort to hundreds and hundreds of people over the years. For many, I am the only joy they will have all day.

Now, being this good is a burden. Namely because it gives me so many chances to commit crimes. And here’s the thing - I should be able to commit these crimes. The only thing holding me back is the law. This must change.

So here’s the thing, I have started a petition titled “William K. Wolfrum is a great blogger, let him commit crimes.” Now, if you’re reading this, I can safely assume that my blog has made you a more reflective person. In fact, because of me, you are just a better person, period. So go sign the petition.

My friends, the desire to commit a wide variety of crimes grows in me daily*. Without your help, I have to choose between committing these crimes or blogging. This is not a choice I want to have to make. So give me proactive immunity now, and I’ll stay here cranking out those blog posts you love so much, rather than rotting in a jail cell with criminals who aren’t anywhere near as good at blogging as I am.

It’s your choice. Make me above the law.

* I promise to not commit any violent crimes. I mean, it would just be fucking sick and inhuman for you to support me if I did something like, say, drug, rape and sodomize a child, for instance. I mean, exactly how fucked up in the head do you have to be to plead for the freedom of a serial child rapist?

-WKW

Will Barack Obama be against retroactive immunity for illegally spying telecoms after he was for it after he was against it?

Retroactive immunity for telecoms that illegally spied on you? President Obama was against it before he voted for it. Where does he stand on it now?

Head over to Sen. Chris Dodd’s site if you want to be a “citizen sponsor” (Translation: “wev”) on the Retroactive Immunity Repeal Act. Read more about it at The Hill.

-WKW

Here’s your trigger

As the health care reform battle wends its way through the health-insurance-cash-stuffed pockets of Congress, it seems more and more likely that a “trigger” option may be the closest they come to a “public option.”

If that’s the case, here’s a trigger for ya:

The “uninsured” — that word we keep hearing as our elected officials grapple with a reform initiative that dominates headlines, talk shows, and political rhetoric. But the “uninsured” is a word that refers to people in the abstract. I wanted to show America who these people were, their struggles, their fears, their true challenges. I had spent time at free clinics before, and wanted to shine a spotlight on this remarkable movement for all Americans, so we partnered with the National Association of Free Clinics to hold the free clinic in Houston’s three football field size Reliant Center. This was an essential teaching opportunity as our nation finds itself in a time that tries our very soul.

We picked Houston because it has the highest rate of people living without insurance in the nation - 30% or about 1.3 million residents. Texas leads all 50 states with 25% of its residents living without insurance; the national average is a whopping 15%. We announced the clinic last week and after an article appeared in the Houston Chronicle on Wednesday, pre-registration surged and we had to close appointments by early Friday afternoon with 2000 people scheduled to receive free health care. Saturday turned out to be the largest health relief mobilization in Houston since Hurricane Katrina. More than 700 doctors, nurses and volunteers turned out to help. The part that you have to understand about Saturday is that it wasn’t in response to a disaster - it was just another day in Houston.

And show up they did. They came as entire families. Many drove hours to get there; others hitchhiked. I walked out at 5am and greeted the first woman on line, Karen, a working school teacher who could not keep up with her insurance payments. Think about it for moment - sitting on the pavement at 5am in the dark waiting for a massive convention center to open just to see a doctor? This is what it’s come to, and it should frustrate you as it does me. So many patients had tragic stories that still burn in my heart. Most were embarrassed to seek help and many felt invisible in society, like they didn’t matter anymore.

Here’s wondering how bad it needs to get for a “trigger” to be pulled on health care in the U.S.

-WKW

Conservatives risk being jailed, tortured

There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the “Conservative Problem.” Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.

America isn’t the Third World. If a military coup does occur here it will be civilized. That it has never happened doesn’t mean it wont. Describing what may be afoot is not to advocate it. So, view the following through military eyes:

Officers swear to “defend the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” Unlike enlisted personnel, they do not swear to “obey the orders of the president of the United States.”

Top military officers can see that the United States has been sold out by Conservatives who have given away American institutions and enterprises in pursuit of more money for their corporate benefactors.

They can see that Americans are increasingly alarmed that this nation, with Conservatives still allowed to walk around freely and espouse their treasonous ideologies, may not even be recognizable as America by the 2012 election.

They can see that the U.S. economy - ravaged by deficits, taxes, unemployment, and impending inflation all created by Conservative ideologies - has become a “petty cash” reserve for Conservatives and the corporations that give them enough money.

They can see these Conservatives waging undeclared war against the American people. They saw Conservatives mock 9/11 victims and Hurricane Katrina victims. They can see the vitriol Conservatives have against the American people each day in the fight to reform health care. They See Conservatives are loyal only to their corporate benefactors, and not the United States.

They can see the endless treasonous comments from Conservatives, and realize that Conservatives have no interest in “We the People.” They can see that Conservatives only cater to the rich, regardless of nationality. They can see Conservative leaders kissing up to nations like China, while people in their own nation are dependent on the charity of others for a semblance of health care.

In the end, America’s military will see that they have no choice but to round up Conservatives, jail them, and torture them. Because while the American military does not condone torture, Conservatives do. And yes, many Conservatives will accidentally be tortured to death. But they long ago agreed that this was fair.

Please don’t get me wrong - I’m not advocating that the U.S. military jails and tortures greedy Conservatives and their self-serving corporate benefactors, smashing them until their minds and wills are broken so that the United States can finally catch up to the rest of the civilized world. No, I’m not advocating that at all.

I’m just sayin’.

-WKW

Chuck Schumer trying to keep the media free of pesky citizen journalists

From Pam at House Blend:

So there’s no doubt that independent bloggers are the target here. At once we’re considered irrelevant and so dangerous they have to legislatively set up a slippery slope that can land us in the clink or left penniless just for trying to participate in citizen journalism.

Read more about how Chuck Schumer wants to help keep the mass media in the hands of the few from Pam, and from Marcy at Firedoglake.

-WKW

Sarah Palin & Jack Donaghy in 2012 - the perfect ticket for a party that’s all pretend

For political groupies, these days a big story involves looking to the 2010 midterm elections. Already, many have predicted that Republicans will gain seats in the U.S. Senate. While this may or may not end up happening, the storyline has led to what many could have expected - Republicans are pretending they had anything to do with it.

You see, my friends, we are living in an age when the U.S. has two major political parties, and one of them has gone completely adrift of reality. Whether this is a bad thing or not remains to be seen, but it does open up one fantastic possibility for the GOP come 2012. Because in the real world, uninspiring names like Huckabee and Romney are being tossed about as possibilities to lead the party against Barack Obama in ’12. But with the majority of conservatives having gotten unstuck in time and being unable to sense real from pretend, there is one tandem that could give the Republicans the power they so desire. So let’s say it together …

… Palin/Donaghy in 2012.

Yes, it’s time for the Republicans to get their two best pretend candidates together to form a super ticket in 2012. First off, you have Palin, who came to prominence at the 2008 RNC Convention by delivering a speech that was truly pretend. Currently, Palin is pretending she’s an important part of the American political process after stone-cold quitting on the Alaskan people.

Then there’s Jack Donaghy. Donaghy, a vital member of the “30 Rock” team is - to be 100% honest - the most impressive conservative out there, real or pretend. Concerned solely with business, Donaghy is bright, methodical and competent. Like many Republicans, he has a prodigious pretend sex life. And that Donaghy’s portrayed by uber-liberal Alec Baldwin makes the whole thing that much more pretend delicious.

Now some may say that having two pretend politicians to create a pretend Super Ticket is madness. But it is the perfect move for the GOP, which has become the party pretend built. Some of what conservatives have been pretending the past few months:

That they oppose health care reform due to financial responsibility rather than as quid pro quo for their health insurance benefactors;

That they didn’t spend 200-2006 blindly rubber stampíng everything George W. Bush proposed;

That George W. Bush doesn’t even exist.

That Health Care Reform will include “death panels”;

That the U.S. is a center-right nation.

That using Reconciliation to pass a bill in the Senate is traitorous;

That Obama and Democrats caused the economic collapse;

That Liz Cheney matters;

That Barack Obama was born in Kenya;

That Barack Obama is a racist;

That ACORN matters;

That Halliburton, KBR & Blackwater don’t matter;

That Americans are happy the U.S. tortures;

That Americans don’t want health care reform, and;

That Ronald Reagan was the greatest President ever.

This is an extremely condensed list, but as you can see, the Republican Party now officially lives in some type of alternate reality where we’re forced to look at facts and pretend they mean the complete opposite. This is why, in 2012, the GOP needs to stay with its main strength - pretending.

Palin-Donaghy 2012: The perfect ticket for a party ensconced in pretend.

-WKW

ACORN uses taxpayer money to electrocute U.S. troops!

Check that, it was Halliburton. Never mind.

-WKW

No One Expects a … Baby Panda!

If someone could drop a baby panda off at my house and leave it here for the weekend, that would be just brilliant.

-WKW

New Study finds that you are absolutely right

WASHINGTON - A new study from the prestigious Wolfrum Alpha Research Squad has confirmed what most people already believe - that they are absolutely correct on all issues and would be foolish to listen to opposing viewpoints.

“After years of intense research, we believe our conclusions are faultless,” said lead researcher William “Buzz” Wolfrum. “Just like everyone’s opinions.”

The research used by the group was “all-encompassing” and used biorhythms, charts, algorithms, graphs and a slide show. The end result confirmed what most already believed to be true - that they are absolutely correct.

“This is fantastic news and shows that, yes, we’ve been right all along,” said film reviewer and political pundit Michael Medved. “And it proves that listening to each other is a stupid concept.”

While the Wolfrum Alpha team has published its findings and feels confident in the results (“Of course, we’re right,” said Wolfrum) there has been some confusion regarding thought conflict. How could two or more conflicting thoughts be correct? Wolfrum said the answer is simple.

“It’s like that ‘Seinfeld’ episode where George said the trick to get through a lie-detector test was to ‘believe your lie was true.’” said Wolfrum. “It’s the exact same principle.”

The research team also pointed to newspaper reporting, where all theories are given equal credibility even when one side seems spectacularly incorrect. This phenomena, known as “Just Type, Don’t Think,” has helped many Americans accept the fact that whatever it is they believe, it’s more than likely true, regardless of reality. Wolfrum added that the research proved that the United States was on the correct path.

“Right now in the U.S., there are millions and millions of people who are positive that they are correct, whether it be about religion, sports or politics,” said Wolfrum. “And they all are correct and shouldn’t have to listen to other equally correct opinions.

“Take Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly, for example,” added Wolfrum. “One day they’ll say one thing, the next day they’ll say the complete opposite. And yet you see they never abandon their overall correctness. It’s not just the American way, it’s science.”

-WKW

Overstock.com subpoena’d by the SEC - Salt Lake City newspapers miss the story

Utah-based Internet wholesaler Overstock.com recently received a subpoena from the SEC. The SEC will be investigating “previously-announced restatements of its financial statements in 2006 and 2008 and other matters.” It is the second such investigation into Overstock.com’s finances in the last two years.

In the time since the subpoena was served, Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne - who has a long and well-documented history of accusing “naked short-sellers” for any of his company’s woes, as well as for libelous attacks on financial journalists - has come out and accused the SEC of being in the pocket of these unnamed “short-sellers.”

Regardless of Byrne’s claims, Overstock.com is now under investigation by the SEC, and curious investors in this publicly traded company will now have to wait and see what, if anything, this latest investigation will mean to the company’s stock prices and future.

Of course, investors in the Salt Lake City who only get their news from one of the local newspapers - the Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret Morning News - currently have no idea about the current status of Overstock.com - located near Salt Lake City - as the two local newspapers have yet to report anything on the subpoena or Byrne’s reactions.

Despite attempts to contact the Deseret Morning News Business section, they have yet to comment on why and how they missed the story. At the SLC Tribune, Business Editor Michael Limon said that the story just got passed them, most likely due to a a key business reporter being off. “I’m just as embarrassed as can be about it,” said Limon.

The SLC Tribune and Deseret News are both distributed by Newspaper Agency Corporation.

Convicted fraudster and current whistle blower Sam Antar - whose work documenting Overstock.com’s violations of Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP) and other violations very likely led to this most recent investigation - has a summary of Overstock.com’s past issues with financial statements here.

Overstock.com’s attack against “naked short sellers” and against journalists that they disagree with can be found at Deep Capture.

Update: The Salt Lake Tribune has now published a story on Overstock.com, titled “Overstock CEO and his critics differ over SEC probe”

-WKW

Sarah Palin finds way to make America better - by slagging the U.S. in Hong Kong

We all wondered how Sarah Palin would help make the U.S. a better place after she quit the governorship of Alaska. Well, it seems she’s found her niche - by criticizing the U.S. and Barack Obama during a paid speech in Hong Kong:

Palin criticized Obama’s plan to give the Fed powers to monitor risks to the financial system. A meltdown last year led to $1.6 trillion of bank losses and writedowns and triggered a global recession. …

In her speech, she called the Obama administration’s decision to impose duties on Chinese tires a “mistake” and said America’s alliance with Japan “must continue to be the linchpin” of regional security. …

And, for the hell of it, she also dabbled in foreign policy:

“We simply cannot turn a blind eye to China’s policies and actions that could undermine international peace and security. China has some 1,000 missiles aimed at Taiwan and no serious observer believes that it poses a military threat to Beijing,” she said. “Those same Chinese forces made our friends in Japan and Australia kinda nervous. China provides support for some of the most questionable regimes from Sudan to Burma to Zimbabwe.”

Expect the “Sarah Palin Pay-per-Anti-Americanism World Tour” to continue.

-WKW

A World Cup sans Messi, Ronaldo and other thoughts on soccer

Just thinkin’ …

We are currently living in a world where there’s a chance that Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo won’t be playing in the World Cup. If that happens, the Mayans were right and you can expect a rapture soon.

And like him or not, Ronaldo is currently on pace to score about 230 goals this campaign with Real Madrid.

Good timing: South Africa announces a drop in murder rates. It’s like the whole nation is coming together.

Man City and Man United was one hell of a game. Here’s the thing tho - City nearly survived away from home without Emmanuel Adebayor, Roque Santa Cruz and Robinho. Imagine United doing that without Rooney.

Early results in the Samuel Eto’o for Zlatan Ibrahimović see an advantage for Barcelona. But there’s a ways to go yet.

One of these days, I’d like to feel the same excitement that Filippo Inzaghi does after he scores a goal.

Yes, Brazilian great Romario is a Socialist. But hey, it’s Brazil, you can’t walk down the street without tripping over a communist.

Geovanni is about to finally get a secure home at Hull City. Yet another former Cruzeiro player thriving in Europe.

-WKW

Crossposted at PandaGoal

Corporate Person CIGNA named Obama’s new Health Care Reform Czar

WASHINGTON - The Health Insurance Corporate Person CIGNA has accepted the position of “Health Care Reform Czar,” White House officials have confirmed. The Corporate Person will take over the job as the Obama Administration gets ready for its final push on health care reform.

“We believe the expertise that CIGNA brings to the table will be invaluable,” said Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “This is an entity that truly understands what the American health care system is all about.”

Recent Big Brother winner Jordan Lloyd will physically represent CIGNA during official meetings (“she has a really nice face,” said sources), and the Corporate Person will have oversight over the entire health care reform debate.

“What’s most important to both Democrats and Republicans is that Health Care Corporate People continue to thrive,” said Sen. Claire McCaskill (D). “We will do what ever it takes to mandate that all people pay these Health Care Corporate People.”

Still, many say current corporate personhood laws are confusing, and that there is the appearance of conflict in CIGNA’s new job. At a press conference, Lloyd said there was no reason to think CIGNA had any conflict of interest in the health care reform debate.

“Oh that’s just silly,” said a smiling Lloyd, who coyly said “no comment” when ABC political reporter Jake Tapper asked if she was going to be dating Jeff outside the house.

Most Democrats and Republicans have thus far praised the Obama Administration for giving CIGNA the Health Care Reform Czar position.

“This gives us the structure we need,” said Senate Finance Chairman Max Baucus (D). “This will only strengthen the mandate, and make it simpler just to funnel money straight to these corporate people who do God’s work.”

Other health care corporate people have come forward with their approval, as well.

“This is really a smart move by Obama, and a great move for America,” said Corporate Person Kaiser Permanente - as portrayed by actress Angie Harmon. “This is health care reform that all corporate persons can get behind.”

-WKW

Oh my God, I am SO gay

MY HOUSE - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum announced today that he is very likely gay. And not just gay, but “extremely gay,” said Wolfrum.

The announcement came after Wolfrum learned that pornography of any type caused homosexuality. This new research was announced at the recent Value Voters Summit.

“All pornography is homosexual pornography,” said Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff Michael Schwartz, “because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

Wolfrum, who is reported to have viewed millions of pages of pornography in his life, said he believed he was safe because he viewed heterosexual pornography, but that he could not fight such simple logic, and worried over how to break the news to his wife.

“I think it’s important for me to come forward and admit that, yes, I have viewed porn,” said Wolfrum. Thus, I am gay. And taking into account just how much porn I’ve seen, I must be really, really, super-gay.

“This is going to be extremely disappointing news for my wife,” added Wolfrum. “But let’s be honest, by this logic, she’s pretty gay herself.”

-WKW

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