GOP: New Anti-Abortion Laws Will Create Jobs

WASHINGTON - Having taken criticism for not attempting any job-related legislation after campaigning on the issue, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that Republicans around the nation have been creating jobs with anti-abortion legislation.

“Some say we’re attacking women’s rights, I say we’re creating jobs,” said Boehner. “Right now the Coat Hanger Industry and Back-Alley Abortion Industries are booming. That means jobs. For Americans.”

The Coat Hanger Industry - which spends nearly $10 million a year lobbying congress - has announced that business is up 75 percent in the last few months, as entrepreneurs plan ahead for a day when abortions will be made illegal.

“It’s like we can’t keep a hanger in stock these days,” said Jim Thompson, lead lobbyist with Coat Hanger America Industries. “We just started making the ends pointier and demand went through the roof.”

Speaking for the Back-Alley Abortionist Industry, Michael X (not his real name) said he anticipates a deluge of job openings coming due to the anti-women legislation.

“Women will get abortions,” said X, a scary, shadowy figure. “We’ll take care of it. We need more employees, tho. All you need is some experience with a hanger or a big screwdriver and you’re in.”

Boehner said that aside from the jobs created in the two industries, unemployment will lessen as women are slaughtered in back alleys around the U.S. - especially since the GOP plans to destroy Planned Parenthood.

“Not only are the Coat Hanger and Back-Alley Abortionist Industries creating jobs, they are creating new job openings,” said Boehner. “These industries are truly conservative in that they could care less about women.

“Once women start being slaughtered in back alleys, their jobs will be available,” added Boehner, who admitted that none of the anti-Abortion legislation would affect his family, being that he’s rich. “This is what modern conservatism is all about. Murdering women with rusty coat hangers. And Jesus. Don’t forget Jesus.”

-WKW