Incredibly inept & stupid GOP field guarantees Obama’s re-election

Eighteen months ago, I wrote that President Barack Obama would win a landslide re-election in 2012. It’s time to double-down on that prediction. Come Wednesday, Nov. 7, 2012, Obama will have another 400 electoral votes and four more years of the presidency on his hands. It’s a sure thing.

While I admit the high unemployment numbers should be enough to trouble any incumbent, I refer back to my key factor for why Obama will win re-election: “All the GOP has to run against him are Republicans.”

My friends, with roughly one year to go until the general election, the GOP has amassed what can only be called the worst group of presidential candidates in the history of civilization. By far. This is going back to hunter-gatherer civilizations, even.

I’m not exaggerating here. People, HERMAN CAIN is the current GOP front-runner. Sure, he can come off as likable, but that view of him is changing rapidly. Add to that he has no grasp of any policy issues, whether foreign or domestic. None. He can’t even repeat simple GOP talking points without screwing it up. And honestly, I’ve seen no reason to believe Cain even wants to be President. I think he wants to sell some books, massage his own ego and then exit stage right once things start getting real. And things are getting real.

By all intents and purposes, Mitt Romney should be the GOP nominee. But it’s getting harder and harder to see him pull it off. And even if he does, he is so despised among the current conservative movement, that he has no shot in a head-to-head match-up. And for good reason. Romney has - almost without exception - proved to be a man with no real convictions on any issue. He’s pretty, but so is Megan Fox, and everyone’s tired of her acting, as well.

Rick Perry is stupendously out of his depth and in full collapse mode.

Newt Gingrich is an angry, serial adulterer.

Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are ideologues that are just minutes away from dropping out of the race altogether.

Jon Huntsman doesn’t even deserved to be mentioned here, such is his lack of visibility and support.

Seriously, try and imagine any one of the above-mentioned candidates in a debate with Obama. It will be wholesale slaughter. Because while Obama has been dinged up during the past four years, his support is still at reasonable historical levels to indicate re-election anyway. Add to that the fact that the GOP will offer him up a completely unelectable candidate, and you have yourself a sure thing.

The Obama Re-election Extravaganza has yet to be fully unveiled. And once it is, look for him to enjoy 20-30 percent leads over whoever the GOP offers up for sacrifice. Because Obama will most certainly do his part to win re-election.

And the GOP candidate - whoever it is - will do their part to guarantee four more years of Obama, as well. Because simply put, there has never been a stupider, phonier or more ridiculous field of candidates than what the GOP is now offering.

-WKW

Rick Perry learning the value of not being seen

Rick Perry is considering skipping future GOP debates, having learned that less of him is more.

-WKW

Mitt Romney vs. Rick Perry: And the winner is …

With the two biggest draws in the GOP race for the party’s nomination spending their time knocking each other out, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich are the clear beneficiaries. But really, we’re all winners here.

-WKW

Marco Rubio’s startling admission

Sources tell this blog that U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida will soon hold a press conference and admit that his name is, in fact, Mark Rubin, and that his parents escaped Fresno in 1982.

More to come …

-WKW

Herman Cain is likable, and for now, that’s enough

One of the great myths of American politics is that the average American cares about, or is even all that aware of, the most pressing issues of the day. Because even in an era where information falls off every tree and lands on people’s faces, low-information voters are the ones who make the major decisions when it comes to U.S. politics.

Yes, while Republicans and Democrats are in a life-and-death struggle fighting to turn the U.S. a Libertarian Utopia or keep it a Social Democracy, the average American bases their voting decisions on much simpler criteria. And one of the main reasons Americans pick a candidate is likability. This, my friends, explains Herman Cain.

Herman Cain’s rise in the polls in the GOP is one of the more curious things in recent American politics, which is saying something. His grasp of actual political issues is on the same level of Donald Trump’s grasp of his actual hair. His “999″ fantasy is much less a tax plan than it is an easy-to-repeat mantra. He stands on every side of the abortion issue. His attention to foreign policy ends with being able to point out Canada on a map.

But the man is likable, especially if you consider yourself right-leaning. He has a michievious spark to his eyes and is quick to make a joke - sometimes jokes that don’t include incinerating Mexicans. Cain fits the role of outsider perfectly and his resume inspire confidence even when his words don’t. Mainly, though, he has that undefinable quality that has benefited successful politicians throughout the modern era. He’s likable.

Likability seems to be an incredibly overlooked factor in politics today. But George W. Bush managed to get elected twice based on the fallacious assumption that he’d be a fun guy to have a beer with, even though he hasn’t enjoyed the company of an ordinary American since before his Yale days. Barack Obama’s whipping of John McCain was obviously aided by the fact that Obama came off as friendly and charming, while McCain decided to play the anger card. And McCain’s running mate - Sarah Palin - burst onto the scene with an explosion of likability, an advantage she quickly squandered when her true personality became clear.

Cain’s advantage over the rest of the GOP field is based solely on his likability. Newt Gingrich might be the most unlikable human in existance. Rick Perry gave likability a shot, but it just isn’t him. And Mitt Romney - who still is the likely GOP nominee - try as he may, makes an empty suit look like Johnny Carson.

Americans, by and large, are friendly folks. The Occupy Wall Street movement showcases groups of Americans who are “outraged” at economic inequality in the U.S., yet also showcases a group that eagerly will goof off with John Oliver of The Daily Show. Anger may sell on Hard-Right talk radio or on Fox News, but the average American doesn’t motivate themselves with outrage. They all just want to get along.

If you are dead-set against his policies or irked that he doesn’t seem to have a grasp of the issues of the day, you probably dislike Herman Cain. But the fact is, most Americans are just not that connected to what the true political situation is in the United States. Thus, Cain comes off as an interesting, funny fellow. His knowledge of facts rival those of the average American low-information voter. And in a GOP race for the Presidential nomination that has been built on anger, that’s enough to put him on the top of the heap. For now.

-WKW

Overstock.com’s “Libel Factory” Deep Capture shut down by Canadian court

It appears Canada doesn’t abide a CEO inventing crimes against one of it’s own. Vancouver’s Altaf Nazerali has won a court order to - least temporarily - shut down the deepcapture.com website.

From Stockwatch:

The order came the same day that Mr. Nazerali filed a notice of claim against the site and its operators. He claimed that deepcapture.com linked him with Mafia figures and an associate of Osama bin Laden, among others. The defendants included naked short-selling conspiracist Patrick Byrne, who is the publisher of the site. (Mr. Byrne is also the chief executive officer of Internet retailer Overstock.com Inc.) Also a defendant was Illinois resident Mark Mitchell, who the suit identified as the author of much of the material that Mr. Nazerali complained of.

According to the suit, deepcapture.com posted the defamatory material in a series of chapters. One, dated July, 2011, stated that Mr. Nazerali was an important figure at Bank of Credit and Commerce International, “the massive criminal enterprise that did business with everyone from La Cosa Nostra and the Russian Mafia to Colombian drug cartels.” His business partners, as listed in the passage, included Mufti al Abbar, “chief market manipulator for Muammar Qadaffi,” and “an impressive number of securities traders who are also narco-traffickers (such as Paul Combs, until Combs was whacked by Nazerali’s mobster friend Egor Chernov).”

Another chapter claimed that Mr. Nazerali’s associates included Yasin al Qadi, “Osama bin Laden’s favorite financier.” It also linked with other Middle Eastern figures. “Nazerali, recall, has working relationships with … members of Al Qaeda’s Golden Chain, the regime in Iran, Pakistan’s ISI, the chief of Saudi intelligence, the ruler of Dubai, the royals of Abu Dhabi, La Cosa Nostra, the Russian Mafia, and others in the Milken network.”

Look for Byrne & cronies to decry this to be an attack on his first amendment rights. The problem for Byrne - who recently got Current TV’s Young Turks to praise him for attending Occupy Wall Street - is that Canada doesn’t appear to accept that blatantly lying about people to be a right.

Gary Weiss opines:

It will be interesting to see what happens next. I presume the website was shut by its web host, and of course there’s nothing to prevent Byrne from moving the content to Iran or wherever, all the while bleating about how his right to make stuff up about people has been infringed by dastardly Canadians. The judge is just going to love that.

Yes, this most definitely will be interesting.

-WKW

Plan 999 from the GOP Debate

 

 

“Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day.”

 

 Plan 999 from the GOP Debate

Starring

Bela Lugosi

Newt Gingrich

Vampira

Mitt Romney

Tor Johnson

Herman Cain

The Amazing Criswell

Michele Bachmann

Bunny Breckinridge

Ron Paul

Tom Keene

Rick Santorum

Gregory Walcott

Rick Perry

[SMALL FUNERAL, EVERYONE COMPLETELY SILENT]

Bela Lugosi’s wife is buried off the side of the road at a funeral where a guy in a suit reads the Bible to himself. Two hobos begin to the process of burying her. “The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.”

 MICHELE BACHMANN: “The good news is, the cake is baked.”

[INSIDE COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE, TWO PILOTS]

Two airline pilots, flying a cardboard box, see a UFO besides their plane. They are not shook up in the slightest.

PILOT: “That’s nothing from this world.”

[BACK TO GRAVEDIGGERS AT CEMETERY]

The gravediggers see the UFO, get spooked and leave. Day instantaneously turns to night. Then back to day. Then back to night. Vampira shows up, apparently holding an invisible barrel. The two gravediggers decide to die to play it safe.

MICHELE BACHMANN: “President Obama’s plan has been a plan for destruction of this country.”

[BELA LUGOSI'S HOME]

Bela Lugosi leaves his home, dressed as a cowboy dracula and still smarting from the death of his wife.

CRISWELL: “The sky to which she had once looked, was now only a covering for her dead body.”

[CEMETERY]

Lugosi - insanely strung out in heroin - apparently dies. He is buried in a cardboard tomb in the cemetery. We learn his wife was actually Vampira, who shows up briefly, still holding the invisible barrel. A mourner sees the dead gravediggers, screams. The cops show up. Night turns to day. Then back to night.

HERMAN CAIN: “Apples and oranges.”

The police inspector - played by Tor Johnson - shows up. He apparently got the job by body-slamming all the other candidates. He mumbles some stuff, then goes off to investigate, as he is, after all, an investigator.

[OUTSIDE THE PILOT'S HOUSE. THE PILOT AND HIS WIFE ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO]

The pilot admits to his wife that he saw a UFO. Once again, Big Government strikes, as he was told by the military not to say anything about it.

PILOT: “Then as soon as we landed, big army brass grabbed us and made us swear to  secrecy about the whole thing. Oh, it burns me up. These things have been seen  for years. They’re here, it’s a fact. And the public oughta know about it.”

As if to verify the pilot’s story, the UFO flies over his house.

RON PAUL: “We are no more removed from this than the man on the moon.”

[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]

The UFO flies over the graveyard, knocking everyone over but not shaking them up too much. Lugosi shows up, looking quite a bit different because he died. Literally. Investigator Tor continues investigating. He is surrounded by the replacement Lugosi and Vampira with her barrel. Tor tries to shoot them both in the groin, but it has no effect. As they slowly close in on Tor, he does the only sensible thing and dies.

[BACK TO GRAVEYARD]

Clay is buried. Vampira watches, holding only cleavage.

[RANDOM AREAS]

Three flying saucers fly over Los Angeles, including one that almost hits the NBC Studios. Newspapers are printed. Day turns to night then back to day. Saucers are then seen over Washington, D.C. The public seems to handle it all remarkably well, including one guy who decides this would be a good time to stop drinking.

CRISWELL: “There’s a time in each man’s life when he can’t even believe his own eyes.”

HERMAN CAIN: “I invite every American to do their own math.”

[SOMEWHERE IN WORLD WAR II]

The military decides to attack the flying saucers. Despite the fact the saucers are just hovering there, begging to be blown out of the sky, all the rockets miss. They disappear and we then learn about the great flying saucer cover-up by the government. Everything bad that’s happened in the nation, it seems, is a result of these shaky saucers.

MILITARY GUY: “What do they want…where are they from…where are they going?”

[INSIDE THE SPACESHIP.]

The aliens are white people, as should have been expected. Bunny Breckinridge is the leader. He’s tired as all get out of the Earthlings and decides that Plan 9 is the only solution.

BUNNY BRECKINRIDGE: “Plan 9…ah yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long-distance  electrodes shot into the pinion pituitary glands of recent dead. “

RICK PERRY: “They’re not interested in 999.”

[FLYING SAUCERS RETURN TO EARTH. WE RETURN TO THE PILOT'S HOUSE.]

The pilot is heading out on a flight. Despite the surreal events of the past few days, neither he or his wife seem very concerned.

PILOT’S WIFE: “Now toddle off and fly your flying  machine, Darling. But if you see any more flying saucers, will you tell them to  pick another house to buzz? Don’t worry about me.”

[CARDBOARD COCKPIT OF AIRPLANE]

The pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess have a nice little chat, dissing Albuquerque along the way.

MITT ROMNEY: “I suggest if you want to be the President of the United States, you need to learn how to let other people speak.”

[CEMETERY]

Lugosi shows up (the real one, not the replacement). He’s dressed as Dracula.

[INSIDE PILOT'S WIFE'S BEDROOM]

Lugosi commits a home invasion, becoming the replacement Lugosi along the way. The pilot’s wife flees to the cemetery. The original Lugosi chases her. Vampira shows up. Night turns to day. Then back to night. The replacement Lugosi continues the chase.

Tor Johnson climbs out of the ground, creating a Halloween-mask trend that continues until today. Night changes to day. Then back to night. Then back to day again. A chubby cowboy drives by and saves the pilot’s wife.

RICK SANTORUM: “The family in America and the faith in America is being crushed.”

The cops show up at the cemetery. Night changes back to day, then back to night. Lugosi (the real one) is miffed, as he really wanted to kill the pilot’s wife. Lugosi, Vampira and Tor enter the spaceship somehow.

The cops mull around the cemetery and discover that Inspector Tor left his grave.

RICK PERRY: “Herman, I love you, brother.”

[INSIDE A GENERAL'S OFFICE]

Two military men discuss the cover-up of the flying saucers.

GENERAL: “You realize there’s a government directive stating that there is no such thing  as a flying saucer?”

NEWT GINGRICH: “I’m a hawk, but I’m a cheap hawk.”

The general then plays a recording of the aliens.

EROS: This is Eros, a space soldier from a planet of your galaxy. I fully realize our language differences, however I also know you finally have perfected the dictorobitary, or as you on Earth put it, the language computer. So you can now understand that which I speak. Since the beginning of your time, we have been far beyond your planet. It has taken you centuries to even grasp what we developed eons of your years ago. Do you still believe it impossible we exist? You didn’t actually think you were the only inhabited planet in the universe? How can any race be so stupid? Permit me to set your mind at ease. We do not want to conquer your planet. Only save it. We could have destroyed it long ago, if that had been our aim. Our principal purpose is friendly. I admit, we have had to take certain means which you might refer to as criminal, but that is because of your big guns which have destroyed some of our representatives. If you persist in denying us our landings, then we must only accept that you do not want us on friendly terms. We then have no alternative but to destroy you before you destroy us. With your ancient, juvenile minds, you have developed explosives too fast for your minds to conceive what you were doing. You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe. We are part of that universe. This is our last …

The military men decide that going to San Fernando to confront the aliens is the best move, but make it clear that the cover-up must stay in place, regardless of the flying saucers now seen all over the country.

MICHELE BACHMANN: “I will build a fence across the entire border. I will enforce English as the official language of the United States.”

[INSIDE FLYING SAUCER]

The White people aliens discuss all the recent events. Tor Johnson comes in and almost kills Eros, the White Guy Alien Leader. They strategize for a while and then decide that Lugosi must be sacrificed. This apparently will stall the Earthlings while they turn create more walking dead. Then, they will send the walking dead to kill everyone. That’ll learn ‘em.

[RANDOM SHOTS OF SAUCERS, COPS, SAN FERNANDO. DAY TURNS TO NIGHT AND BACK AGAIN. FINALLY, THE COLONEL AND THE LIEUTENANT SHOW UP AT THE PILOT'S HOME]

The pilot and his wife tell the colonel about their experiences with the flying saucers (the scene shows another saucer landing in the cemetery. Apparently, world domination takes a direct route through this cemetery.) No one seems to notice that a saucer landed right next door to them.

RICK PERRY: “I think it’s time for us to have a very serious discussion about defunding the United Nations.”

The scene shifts back to the cemetery, where the replacement Lugosi comes out of the saucer, then turns into the real Lugosi. The scene shifts back to the pilot’s home. The replacement Lugosi shows up, bent on killing everyone. Luckily, the White People Aliens kill him first, leaving only a skeleton.

MICHELE BACHMANN: “The President of Iraq is a genocidal maniac.”

[BACK TO THE CEMETERY]

A cop, the lieutenant, the colonel, the pilot, and his wife get out of the car and enter the cemetery. The pilot’s wife says she doesn’t want to be left alone. The colonel and the lieutenant mock her for this.

Vampira wanders around nearby. The cop stays with the pilot’s wife as the other three walk off to search for something. They see Tor’s grave and surmise that he came out of his grave. The lieutenant isn’t buying it.

LIEUTENANT: “Look, Colonel, I’m a policeman. I’ve got to deal in facts.

MICHELE BACHMANN: “He put us in Libya. He is now putting us in Africa.”

[BACK TO FLYING SAUCER]

The aliens decide to let the three men find them, so they can kill them and stop all their tiresome meddling. They send Tor in to kill the pilot’s wife and the cop.

[BACK TO CEMETERY]

Tor slowly stalks his prey. The three men see a strange light. Tor attacks the cop, who gets knocked out from a light slap. The pilot’s wife is safely in the car, but makes the blunder of not locking her door. Tor captures her after she succumbs to the vapors.

The three men find the spaceship and are allowed to enter. A female White Person Space Alien asks if they have to kill the three men.

EROS: “Well wouldn’t it be better to kill a few now than, with their meddling, permit them to destroy the entire universe?”

The three men enter the spaceship and learn that Eros is a pompous jerk who talks in circles. Eros repeatedly tells them how stupid they are, but points out that the human race is closing in on discovering solaronite.

NEWT GINGRICH: “How can you have judgement if you don’t have faith.”

Solaronite is the ultimate of green technology. It will let humans harness the power of the sun which will then somehow destroy the universe. Things get real sciencey, up until we learn that the people of Eros’ planet are misogynists just like us. Then they all fight.

[BACK TO CEMETERY]

Another cop shows up and finds the other cop who is recovering from his Tor chop. They see Tor and, after realizing that bullets won’t stop him, decide to hit him with a stick. This works. Tor is out cold.

[BACK TO SPACESHIP]

A wild melee ensues and we learn that Eros can’t fight a lick. The ship catches on fire and the three men escape. Budget cutbacks mean that the spaceship has no way of putting out a fire, and the ship flies away aflame, and then explodes. The threat is over.

 “My friends, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove  that it didn’t happen? Perhaps on your way home, you will pass someone in the  dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space. Many  scientists believe that another world is watching us this moment. We once  laughed at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, the telephone, the electric  light, vitamins, radio, and even television! And now some of us laugh at outer  space. God help us… in the future. “

RICK PERRY: “You get to ask the questions, I get to answer them the way I want to.”

The End

With thanks and admiration to the great Ed Wood.

-WKW

With Mitt’s mind on Mitt’s money and Mitt’s money on Mitt’s mind

Middle-Class Mitt Romney back during his Bain Brothers days.

-WKW

Full Report of the GOP Job Plan

You don’t need to know anything else about it.

-WKW

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today is my Mom’s 71st birthday. I still miss her terribly. A better person has yet to walk this planet.

-WKW

Deepak Chopra gets honest on Twitter

I refuse to believe that Mr. Chopra’s account was hacked. After all, we must walk with those seeking truth and run from those that think they’ve found it.

-WKW

Netflix now to offer only Beta-Max movies

After getting hammered for a recent plan to break the company in two parts - one for DVDs, one for streaming video - Netflix has now decided to go back to the way it was, plus the healthy fee increase. Also, they announced they will only rent Beta-Max movies, because they are a business and businesses do things, so look, they did something else.

-WKW

Now white people need to start buying more Hank Williams Jr. albums

Because the dude probably just lost his African-American audience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-WKW