Things we learned this weekend

Much like the Fulmar, Rick Santorum uses projectile vomiting as a defense mechanism.

-WKW

Ahmadinejad has breakfast - prepare for war

WASHINGTON - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had breakfast today, leading most foreign policy experts to agree that Iran is now more dangerous than ever.

Reports from Iran state that Ahmadinejad dined at 8 a.m. on pita bread, feta cheese and assorted fruits. Sources from within Iran have stated this breakfast is a sure sign that Iran now is fully nuclear capable and prepared to begin a full-scale nuclear war against the United States and Israel.

“Ahmadinejad is insane. Really insane. Just incredibly insane and suicidal,” said foreign policy expert Bill Kristol. “The time to act against him is now.”

While many Republicans have harshly criticized U.S. President Barack Obama’s handling of Iran, even more have heaped scorn upon him for what they consider a cool relationship with Israel.

“Ahmadinejad is a psycho maniac who now has the capability of dropping nukes all over America,” said foreign policy expert David Frum. “If Obama doesn’t attack Iran now, people in Des Moines will disappear in a mushroom cloud.”

Despite the fact that most experts have claimed that Iran is still several years away from building a workable nuclear bomb, foreign policy experts have latched on to Ahmadinejad’s breakfast as proof that the time for reckoning is now.

“First, he eats breakfast, then he kidnaps American and Israeli children and feeds them to pigs,” said foreign policy expert Robert Kagan. “If we don’t launch an all-out first-strike attack on Iran right now, Obama should be arrested for treason.”

While the majority of Americans are now regarded as war-weary and tired of meddling in other nation’s affairs, American foreign policy experts have concluded that once again the opinion of the American people is moot.

“What Americans think makes no difference,” said foreign policy expert Jennifer Rubin. “What does make a difference is that Ahmadinejad is more dangerous than a stable of Hitlers and that he will make the Holocaust look like a fender bender. He’s insane and we must attack now.”

-WKW

Afonso, Ralphie & a tomato of desire

My little boys. They grow up so quickly.

-WKW

#WolfrumsBirthday was a #WolfrumAvipalooza

For the second consecutive year - making it a tradition - my birthday on Twitter has included a plethora of images of me being photo-shopped into interesting positions. Enjoy:

Take a look at the images here on Twitter: #WolfrumAvipalooza. And many thanks to @Vdaze and @Brandibax for the fun.

-WKW

Watch your mouth

-WKW

A Straight White Man’s Burden

Being a Straight White Male is great. It really is. I mean, the number of perks I get solely for being a Straight White Guy is just ridiculous. Did you know we Straight White Men get free ice cream on Tuesdays? Our choice of flavors. It’s fabulous.

But life as a White Male is not all good jobs, unlimited rights and privileges and free ice cream on Tuesdays. It is mostly, mind you, but it’s not everything.

You see, as a Straight White American Male, it is my job to tell women and minorities what rules they must live by. It is a huge responsibility that I more or less take seriously.

Imagine the time I have to spend deciding whether or not women should be allowed to have abortions or use birth control? I spend literally minutes each month debating this issue with other Straight White Men. But we make these decisions because we are Straight White Men and we know better.

Then I have to decide how poor minorities can be before they revolt. This is not an easy task, either. Luckily, we live in the richest nation on Earth. Thus, minorities can obviously be much poorer still. I mean, many of them live like kings while still having walls on their house.

And don’t think it’s a cakewalk keeping the LGBT community as second-class citizens. They are really insistent on having the same rights as someone like me, a Straight White Male. But when you are ensconced in privilege as I am, you want to stay a step ahead of the other guys. This is why my fellow Straight White Males fight to keep women, minorities, gays, lesbians and any and all non-Straight non-White non-Males from living with freedom and dignity. Don’t hate the player here, hate the game. The game in which I get to make up the rules as I go along.

Yes, my friends, being a Straight White Male in the United States is not as easy as it seems. Sure, it’s very, very easy and no one is coming to take my rights away or anything, but there are responsibilities.

So today, when you see a Straight White Male walk by, think about patting him on the back. Don’t actually do it, of course, as touching us isn’t allowed. I mean, know your place for God’s sake.

-WKW

Sex for women? Outlaw it. Problems solved

America has become Satan’s playground. It is a nation that dances with the devil and is seeing it’s greatness usurped by sin. And it is all because we allow American women to have sex.

Recently, more and more Republicans have come forward to announce they are anti-abortion and anti-birth control. They have fought to eliminate Planned Parenthood. They are even trying to pass legislation that would would make it illegal for African-American women to have abortions.

While these attempts to shut down the menacing sexuality of women have been nobel, they truly only treat the symptom and not the problem. This is why it is vital for all Americans of courage and morality to come together as one and force Congress to pass the “No More Sex for Women” bill.

The bill is just one sentence with one footnote.

This bill makes it illegal for women to have sex*.

*Does not apply to sex with other women in films.

The passage of this bill is what stands between America and continued greatness. Women having sex is forbidden in most holy text books, as far as we know, and the fact that Gods of all stripes stand side-by-side in this belief tells us that our fight is the correct one.

The punishment for having sex must be severe and involve not just substantial time in prison, but community service such as having sex with other women in films. Only legislation with teeth can combat this recent trend of women having sex.

An America free of sex-having women will be an America back in step with God. America will thrive and future generations will thank us for our bold initiative. Also, men will still get to have sex.

So, my friends, now is the time. It is time to end abortion, venereal diseases and the scourge of minority babies. It is time to make it illegal for women to have sex.

-WKW

With love to the son of Bo-Bo Jangles

Our beloved Boston Terrier Max died of complications on Jan. 24, following a strong battle against congestive heart failure, liver disease and a host of other problems. While his final day was a bad one, Max did not suffer in the days, weeks or months prior to his death.

Max came into my wife’s life when she was just 22. She had left Brazil to get her masters degree at Southern Indiana University. A dog lover from her earliest days, Emilia chose Max to be her first dog. It was a brilliant choice.

When Emilia met Max, he was known as “Alpha.” He would dominate all the other puppies to get food and comfort. This would become a central part of Max’s personality. He spent his life learning new tricks on how to get whatever it was he wanted, which was mostly food. Being an extremely intelligent dog, he always seemed to get whatever he wanted.

And while he tended to try to dominate puppies, the fact was that Max was not a fighter, whatsoever. If his initial tough-guy act didn’t work, he’d back off or find myself or Emilia to handle his problems.

Max had a hobby. He’d literally spend hours sucking on stuffed animals. My belief was that it took him back to the days when his mother - Pink Lady- nursed him. For Max, however, it was a sign that he was utterly content when he’d sit next to you somewhere and suck on his toy.

Max was misunderstood genius. Being a Boston Terrier, his facial expressions were somewhat nil as compared to other dogs who get that “happy face” that draws people in. But while he showed little emotion, Max was a loving dog.

Max fit into being an older dog perfectly. He had a minor bit of grumpiness about him, which was irresistible. Making Max angry was one of our favorite games. That was how he played - by growling viciously and snapping at you. It was glorious.

My wife and I laughed recently when we read the opening words of Lord Byron’s wonderful “Epitaph to a Dog.”

Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.

Max was the son of Bo-Bo Jangles. He was beautiful and vain. He was insolent without strength and ferocious without courage. He had all the virtues of man, with a few vices.

Max helped my wife through some of her toughest times and was always there for her. Max helped her define herself and become the person she is today. I knew him for 10 years and my heart is broken that he’s no longer with us. But he will always be a part of this family. He will always be missed.

-WKW