U.S. bans drone program, entire planet follows lead

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.

The move to ban drones was met by complete bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, with even staunch defense supporters like warmongering angry white guy Sen. John McCain giving it a thumbs up.

“This is just great,” said McCain, who appeared to be choking on something. “Really, great.”

Many experts, like William K. Wolfrum, the writer of this blog post, had said getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work.

“Getting a handle on the drone issue was vital and would require a great deal of work,” said Wolfrum, who just lazily cut-and-pasted that. “I had assumed it would require a bipartisan, national and international movement. But, what the hell do I know?”

Aside from banning all future drones, Obama signed an executive order to destroy all available drones, cease work on them, release all documents regarding drone usage, accuse himself of war crimes, impeach himself and give himself a lengthy jail sentence. Obama said that someone finally told him that predator drones have killed untold innocent civilians in nations like Yemen and Pakistan, and that killing civilians only further increases radicalization.

“They told me that and I was like, ‘Woah,’ and stuff,” said Obama. “If I killed innocent civilians, I must be jailed for war crimes. I would have no moral standing if I didn’t. Also, I was born in Kenya.”

In other news to further showcase how over-the-top this post has become, the stars of “Finding Bigfoot,” today found Bigfoot, who, for all intents and purposes, seems like a fine fellow. It’s goal achieved, the show has been cancelled to make room for “Bigfoot & Honey Boo Boo.”

-WKW