One-Liners

• “Ben Roethlisberger really needs to take better care of the football. And to stop raping women.”
• “Twepiphany: That moment you realize the Tweet you just wrote and thought was hilarious was actually offensive as hell.”
• “The best thing I can really say about today is that it’s highly doubtful I’ll go on any anti-Semitic or otherwise racist rants.”
• “Breaking: FBI arrest door planning to hit Rahm Emanuel’s ass on the way out.”
• “Veil is an anagram for ‘Evil.’ Think about it.”
• “The National discourse on racism will be put on hold while we take care of this national discourse on masturbation.”
• “Going to church after not going to church for a while proves once again that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim.”
• “I truly believe that if more Americans used bidets, the nation would be in much better shape. Millions of people walking around with dirty asses is a recipe for disaster.”
• “Remember: Every time a Tea Bagger wins an election, a racist angel gets its swastika.”
• “Humans better hope dinosaurs don’t come back. Because if they do, they will be royally pissed off.”
• “A big problem for Radical Islamacists is the name. It just turns people off. I suggest the name “Freedom Libertarians.”
• “I haven’t been to the U.S. in a while. Have the radical Islamacists taken over yet? Seems like that’s coming any day.”
• “Just because Obama’s stimulus did help keep the U.S. from 15% unemployment and a depression is no reason to stop calling it a horrible failure that will murder your children.”
• “The interesting thing about GOP types who like to throw sexual references out - like John Edwards being a “Breck Girl” or Palin’s “impotent” comments about press, and Limbaugh’s “bend over” analogies, is that they never have the courage to say it to anyone’s face. Listen, if I’m going to question your manhood or strength, I’ll do it to your face. And would appreciate the same respect from any that would question mine. There would be consequences, of course, but at least they’d show a semblance of courage.”
• “Spending a lazy Sunday watching the Godfather Trilogy while taking care of a sick street dog is a highly advisable activity.”
• “Budget-tightening ideas you’ll never hear in Congress - Cutting every congressperson’s staff in half.”
• “No sales tax weekends at the mall always seemed like a wise idea for retail. But I don’t think ‘No Tax of any kind, ever’ will have quite the same stimulating affect on a massive nation’s economy and social structure.”
• “The average Brazilian worker makes about $600 a month. That’s what the GOP is after, minus the social safety net.”
• “Ken Mehlman coming out as gay really isn’t news. Barney Frank coming out as straight would be news.”
• “I’m an Atheist. But if someone sneezes, I will say “God Bless You.” Cause I’m a fucking enigma like that.”
• “How long does it take Sarah Palin, Sharron Angle & Jan Brewer to change a light bulb? None of your business!! Stop asking Gotcha questions!!”
• Behind Chuck Norris’ beard is a tiny Bruce Springsteen beating the shit out of him.

More to come …